QUOTES FROM David Schnarch, Ph.D. -

Q. What do you mean by self-soothing and self-validation?

David Schnarch, Ph.D.: I'm referring to our ability to validate our own perceptions, feelings, and self-worth, and soothe our own heartache and anxiety when the inevitable marital disappointments, frustrations, and misunderstandings occur. These aspects of our "relationship with ourselves" determine how we handle the good and bad times in our relationships with others how intimate or erotic we can be, how much we can afford to love someone else, and whether we feel like we're "loosing ourselves" or "bail out" as the relationship becomes more important or more difficult. Paradoxically, the better we are at soothing and validating ourselves, the less we need our partners to "be there" for us and the more we can "be there" for others. Likewise, we can let ourselves be influenced by our partners taking their needs and opinions into consideration without feeling like we're weakening our own position or interests in the process. Our ability to self-validate and self-soothe is absolutely vital to maintaining long term passion in marriage as well as expanding our sexual relationship.

“(Self soothing ….is about our)….. ability to validate our own perceptions, feelings, and self-worth, and soothe our own heartache and anxiety when the inevitable marital disappointments, frustrations, and misunderstandings occur. 

These aspects of our “relationship with ourselves” determine how we handle the good and bad times in our relationships with others how intimate or erotic we can be, how much we can afford to love someone else, and whether we feel like we’re “loosing ourselves” or “bail out” as the relationship becomes more important or more difficult. 

Paradoxically, the better we are at soothing and validating ourselves, the less we need our partners to “be there” for us and the more we can “be there” for others. 

Likewise, we can let ourselves be influenced by our partners taking their needs and opinions into consideration without feeling like we’re weakening our own position or interests in the process. 

Our ability to self-validate and self-soothe is absolutely vital to maintaining long term passion in marriage as well as expanding our sexual relationship.