“You can only change and grow yourself in a relationship”

Personal Agenda For GROWTH & Development for Each Partner

The following is a list of possible items for your Personal Agenda of Growth in your relationship. It is adapted by Don Elium, MFT from carefully researched and evidenced-based Discernment Counseling by Bill Doherty.

This is not an exhaustive list; it is meant to be a prompt to identify the hard-to-find- words that can guide you to the Growth Direction that your Committed Relationship is calling out for you to consider and act upon. You will be asked to start a beginning list of 3-5 items that you will daily work on between sessions to do your part in improving your marriage.

EXCEPTIONS: Couples On The Brink need CLARITY not CHANGE right away.

If one person takes the Personal Agenda for Growth seriously and the other person doesn’t and expresses little to no interest, and the relationship feels on the brink for at least one partner, there may be a leaning-in/leaning-out commitment issue.

If this is the case, hope will NOT, at first, come from CHANGE/GROWTH/DEVELOPMENT. Going for CHANGE when there is a Leaning In/Leaning Out situation, can make matters less productive, possibly worse and/or end up with non-productive marriage therapy.

For the On the Brick Couple, the first step will need to establish CLARITY: UNDERSTANDING that can yield CONFIDENCE in one’s choice about the commitment decision to the relationship. Couple on the Brink are better served to do Discernment Counseling. This is a five session approach  to take a serious and direct look at the underlying issues/conflicts not being addressed in other therapies, in a compassionate manner,  to develop some a deeper understand that can yield confidence to decide on a new direction for the relationship (CLICK HERE).

The Discernment Counseling understanding and process is integrated into the Gottman Counseling Model that is applied in the Couple Psychotherapy offered here or you can be referred to a specialist in Discernment Counseling, and return here if the choice is to stay together and work on the relationship.

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For all couples who are ready for more GROWTH/CHANGE/DEVELPMENT, the following list can be helpful in identifying and using in your 3-5 items of your Personal Agenda For Growth. This becomes your beginning guide to make the CHANGES needed to feel better about your self and improve your relationship situation. The more likelihood of success you can have in Couple Counseling is learning more about yourself and the impact you have on your relationship and your partner, and demonstrating that inside the sessions and outside of the sessions in your daily life. The Personal Agendas for Growth is for both in the sessions, and even more importantly outside of the sessions and in your daily life. Some of your items will be lifelong lessons that will require compassion for yourself because of how important and challenging that item might be. So in summary, the two ways you can not have productive therapy is: 1. Not learning enough about yourself in a deep and fundamental way, 2. Your Personal Agenda for Change is not dialed into what you need to address that are crucial and essential both in this relationship and any relationship that is long-term committed.

The list itself can be adjusted, as things progress, to add or delete items as the deeper understanding grows and life circumstances present unexpected challenges. The list is to be held as “written in the sand” and not “stone.” This list is meant to help each partner feel and be more ALIVE through what is true for each person, more COMPASSIONATE toward themselves, more KIND, more Strong in their own voice in a gentler manner.

COUPLE ONE

Partner 1

1. More senstive in words and actions when confronted with a problem, instead of shutting down or getting angry.

2. More assertive I conflict in a constructive manner.

3. Be more present with love ones (emotionally and mentally engaged when with loved ones.)

Partner 2

1. Handling anxiety better so as not to get either overwhelmed, then controlling or erupting.

2. Learn how to express my feelings without flooding the other person with too many specifics.

3. Learn how to deal with my panic in a conversation when I feel blocked.

4. Learn how to take better care of myself, including exercising, eating better, and not drinking as much alcohol or taking too much cannabis.

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COUPLE TWO

Partner 1:

1. Work on my reactivity so that I can more tolerant, less easily annoyed. Learn the cues to when I get reactive.
   
   
   

2. Take better care of myself and my health, mentally and physically.

Partner 2:

1. When challenged, be more outward instead of ignoring, internalizing, or creating a barrier.

2. Be more open with emotions, both soft and hard.
   
   
   

3. Be more patient with the pace of my expectations of how things should go. Part of this is to be more spontaneous, not just plan and be frustrated.

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COUPLE THREE

Partner 1:

1. Overall, manage my anxiety in a healthier way, so that:
   
   
   

2. I can fill my own happiness bucket and not be as dependent, and
   
   
   

3. have more goals and make more decisions. (Nice line: “Anxiety turns off my brain and I shrink into a corner.”)

Partner 2:

1. When challenged, be more outward instead of ignoring, internalizing, or creating a barrier.
   
   
   

2. Be more open with emotions, both soft and hard.
   
   
   

3. Be more patient with the pace of my expectations of how things should go. Part of this is to be more spontaneous, not just plan and be frustrated.
   
   
   

4. Be more “dependent,” more willing to ask for help, and not try to be everything to everyone.

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COUPLE FOUR

Partner 1:

1. Setting boundaries and keeping them.
   
   
   

2. More ability to negotiate differences: not being black and white and not blowing up when I’m hurt or surprised.
   
   
   

3. Find a way to be appropriately helpful to others instead of being dysfunctionally helpful by picking up the pieces for others and then feeling taken for granted and resentful.
   
   
   

Partner 2:

1. Be honest and truthful at all times, instead of lying to avoid unpleasant situations.
   
   
   

2. Be better able to handle conflict-neither lying nor yelling to get the person to back off.
   
   
   

3. Higher self-esteem so that I can handle criticism without feeling like a failure who is being chopped down, abused and belittled.
   
   
   

4. Communicate better, be able to talk things through and not “go for the jugular.”
   
   
   

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COUPLE FIVE

Partner 1:

1. Make my own wants and needs more of a priority, and resent others less.
   
   
   

2. Be more flexible in resolving differences without resorting to black and white thinking.
   
   
   

3. Work on my tendency to worry and focus on negatives.

Partner 2:

1. Be more cognizant of the other’s needs and wants.
   
   
   

2. Be more willing to be a partner, not a boss.
   
   
   

3. Be more open with my thoughts and feelings.
   
   
   

4. Work on my sexuality, including my cross-dressing.

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COUPLE SIX

Parnter 1:

1. Work on finding my voice in close relationships, not losing myself.
   
   
   

2. Speak more concretely about what I need, so that the other person can understand.
   
   
   

3. Stay in a conflictual situation as opposed to quickly backing away.

Partner 2:

1. Be more aware of when I am crossing another person’s boundaries, being an “expert” on their inner world.

2. Trust myself to keep expressing my need for change when my core needs are not met, as opposed to giving up and distancing.

3. Be more accepting of differences instead of being judgmental about them

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COUPLE SEVEN

Partner 1:

1. Trusting and using my voice early when things go wrong.
   
   
   

2. Learning to quiet my inner critic, and my assumption that others are critical of me.
   
   
   

3. Staying connected and not retreating during hard times, and thereby be less apt to blow up and needs more of a priority, and resent others less.
   
   
   

Partner 2:

1. Understand and better manage my anxiety in relationships, both inside the relationship and when there is carry-over from outside stresses.
   
   
   

2. Increase my ability to listen and truly hear another person without judgement and being the standard bearer.
   
   
   

3. Develop better boundaries so that I know where I end and the other person begins.

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COUPLE EIGHT

Partner 1:

1. More understanding and better management of my anxiety in intimate relationships and in the carryover of my anxiety from other life stresses.
   
   
   

2. Increase my ability to listen and truly hear the other person without judgment and with being the “standard bearer” for the relationship.
   
   
   

3. Develop better boundaries so that I know where I end and the other person begins.
   
   
   

Partner 2:

1. Trusting and using my voice early when things go wrong.
   
   
   

2. Learn to quiet my inner critic-and be joyfully me. (Same for assuming that others are criticizing me.)
   
   
   

3. Stay more connected and not retreat in the hard times (and thereby be less apt to blow up eventually and feel about at that).

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COUPLE NINE

Partner 1:

1. Better manage my time and symptoms so that I follow through on everyday household tasks and shared responsibilities.

2. Become more interested in and response to what other people need to feel loved, instead of what I need to feel loved.

3. Better manage my anxiety and depression so that I don’t come across as controlling and manipulative, and accept the other person’s feelings when I come across
   that way.

Partner 2:

1. Continue to heal my relationship with myself.

2. Claim my own experience—thoughts, feelings, and wants.

3. Ask for what I want without begging or being parental—in another words, in a healthy, adult way—and better manage my reactions when I don’t get what I want.

4. Hold onto my boundaries so that I can listen with love and not try to fix things out of my own anxiety.

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COUPLE TEN

Partner 1:

1. Setting boundaries about my responsibilities in relationships.

2. Regulate my emotions so that my communication and behavior are respectful and healthy.

3. Making self-care a priority.

4. Become more assertive—say what I think, feel, and want—and handle whatever criticism comes back to me.

Partner 2:

1. More assertive, able to express my feelings in a respectful manner—and be more honest about my feelings.

2. More responsive in relationships—deliberate, straightforward, and immediately present—rather than reactive

3. More self-aware of my emotions, especially how self-centered fear of loss is responsible for my behavior.

4. More responsible and an equal partner in relationships, including having the courage and presence to take more initiative in my marriage.

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COUPLE ELEVEN

Partner 1:

1. To face conflict rather than avoid it, and to be honest about my fear of conflict instead of hiding it.

2. To work at staying honest in all areas of my life, and not using lying as a crutch to get out of uncomfortable situations.

3. To be able to be sexually intimate without having all my insecurities of the past stop me.

4. To continue to learn to be open and not lapse into being closed off and selfish.

Partner 2:

1. To feel better about my physical self so that I don’t blame the other person for my lack of sexual confidence.

2. To respect others’ feelings and opinions more, and not feel I’m always right.

3. To learn to listen more to what the other person is really saying instead of rehearsing what I’m going to say. To let others in during the moment.

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COUPLE TWELVE

Partner 1:

1. My tendency to be critical and judgmental-and be more accepting.

2. Being more open to criticism and feedback about myself.

3. Focusing more on my own contributions and influence on the relationship.

4. Identify and communicate my boundaries about respectful language and behavior- and hold myself accountable, too.

Partner 2

1. Better manage my anger, frustration, and impatience when I have those feelings.

2. Living a healthier lifestyle-regular exercise, less alcohol, better diet, and overall lower stress.

3. Develop my ability to be engaged with my family on a regular basis.

4. Being more empathetic and mindful in my relationships.

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COUPLE THIRTEEN

Partner 1:

1. Become more in tune with my own emotions, especially my vulnerable emotions

2. Become more in tune with others’ emotions, and not be a fixer.

3. Become more comfortable in physical intimacy situations, including working on my body image, physical health, and performance pressures to be critical and judgmental-and be more accepting.

Partner 2:

1. Recognize and acknowledge my feelings as I am having them, rather than pushing them down and letting them build.

2. Vocalizing my thoughts and feelings more in a positive way-being assertive rather than withdrawing or becoming over-emotional.

3. Learning self-care in relationships so that I don’t over-give, pay a price, and then suddenly cut off.

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COUPLE FOURTEEN

Partner 1:

1. Prioritize my health by using pain management tools in a responsible way.

2. Better manage my emotions (my reactivity) in relationships, being able to go back and forth without flipping out.

3. Recognizing and allowing myself to feel a range of emotions—other than feeling flat, sad, or angry.

4. Better boundaries, including with family, friends, and other men (including caution about alcohol use where I use my boundaries).

Partner 2:

1. Become better at understanding and communicating my feelings.

2. Do more initiating of conversations and connection.

3. Being supportive and “holding onto myself” even when I am having trust concerns.

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