The Three Types of Relationship Problems:

Solvable, Perpetual, and Gridlock

Did you know that 69% of relationship problems never get resolved and are perpetual problems based on personality differences between partners? If you argue with your partner over and over about the same issues, your “same old conflict” is likely a result of perpetual problems in your relationship.

All couples have perpetual problems. Understanding the different types of problems can make a big difference in your conflict conversations.

Solvable problems are typically situational. The conflict is simply about a topic, and there may not be a deeper meaning behind each partner’s position. A solution can be found and maintained.

Example: "I don't want to go hiking with you this weekend."

Perpetual problems are problems that center on either fundamental differences in your personalities or lifestyle needs. Unlike a solvable problem, these are the problems that a couple will return to over and over and over again.

Example: "I don't like hiking and don't want to try it."

Gridlocked perpetual problems are perpetual problems that have been mishandled and have essentially transformed into something “uncomfortable.” When a couple tries to discuss a gridlocked issue, it can feel like they are “spinning their wheels” and getting nowhere. The nature of gridlock is that hidden agendas underlie the issue.

Example: "I will never go hiking."

So what do you do about perpetual problems?

What matters is not solving perpetual problems, but rather establishing healthy dialogue about them as a couple.

When communication stops, the conflict becomes gridlocked. This can lead to emotional disengagement and eventually the Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness.

“WHAT TO CHANGE? Your first THREE STEPS in an interaction with someone.

THE FIRST THREE STEPS OF an encounter. It is not just a series of emotions or issues, it is the THEME of HOW we interact with each other. Often determined in the first three steps each person takes.” —Ted Doherty, Discernment Counseling Approach