Step-by-Step Infidelity Recovery Resources From Researched Based Approaches
From Dr. Shirley Glass and her research.
Dr. Julie Gottman: avoid therapists with these beliefs or approaches:
It’s best not to talk about the affair. Avoid conflict and cool it.
Both partners are equally culpable. The more subtle (and common) version of this is: When we examine the psychological dynamics of your relationship, we’ll discover that the affair was as much the fault of the betrayed as the betrayer.
An affair is much worse when a woman strays.
If the cheating was done with a prostitute, it’s not as bad.
You have to forgive the betrayer before progress can be made.
Your shared faith alone is enough to carry you through this.
The betrayed partner’s anger is bad and will drive the betrayer away.
The real goal is to save the marriage at all costs.
The real goal is to end the marriage because no relationship can survive such a betrayal.
You are not “really” angry about the affair. That’s just a cover for being sad, insecure, or afraid for other reasons.
You are making too big a deal of this.
Women just have to accept that “boys will be boys.”
There is something wrong with the betrayed person for having explosive feelings.
There is a timeline for when you should be over this.
If the affair happened years ago, it doesn’t matter anymore.
If the betrayed person hadn’t done X, or had done Y, all this would never have happened. (Example: If she’d put out more.)
The way you argued was the ultimate cause of the affair.
Affairs are all about biology and gender differences.
Marriages are supposed to last only about four years, until the baby can walk and talk well enough, so affairs are inevitable.
One-night stands don’t count.
If the cheater didn’t love the sex partner, then it wasn’t really an affair.
If it involved only sex, it wasn’t an affair.
Also, Julie Gottman suggest to avoid these approaches:
If there was no intercourse, it wasn’t an affair.
If there was no emotional closeness, it wasn’t an affair.
Your psychological problems caused your partner to stray. For example, if you hadn’t been so jealous and over controlling, he or she wouldn’t have felt the need to cheat.
Sexual online chatting doesn’t count as an affair. After all, it’s just “clicking,” not really interacting.
Monogamy isn’t natural for most species. What did you expect?
Avoiding therapists who espouse these misguided beliefs will not guarantee that you find a therapist who meets your needs. There are so many variables in a good therapeutic experience. But, certainly, knowing who to avoid will improve the odds.
Gottman PhD, John; Nan Silver (2012-09-04). What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal (pp. 159-160). Simon & Schuster. Kindle Edition.