White Knuckle Efforts and Sustaining A Behavior Change

The Article Written By Tammy Van Hinte

Behavioural change is when we focus on changing our behaviour but the underlying foundation of the old behaviour is still intact. With time we will likely revert to the old way because we do not have developmental changes that would be required to hold the new behaviour consistently. What I have noticed myself is that I can chose a new behaviour and I will recognize the lack of developmental capacity by the emotional reactivity that is evoked in me as I do the new behaviour. When I have developmental change I no longer have that emotional reactivity when I activate the new behaviour and I have new thoughts that go with the new behaviour. Here is an example:

I want to catch my defensive responses and ask curious questions of my partner. This is my autonomous goal.

I am successful at the behaviour, but inside I am furious at what he is saying and a part of me is building my own defence for when it is my turn. I’m telling myself he is wrong, however I may not be aware of this inner dialogue or action.

As I listen to him I get new information that softens my heart and the defensive inner response naturally shifts. I realize in retrospect that I didn’t have all of the information and my reactively was based on some assumptions that were inaccurate.

Next time I am listing my partner with my behavioural goal of catching my defensive responses and asking curious questions it is easier because there is a shift in my internal landscape (this is a developmental change). I remember that last time I didn’t have all of the information and I wonder if this is true this time too. It is easier to stay curious. I ask questions to see if I might not have all of the information. I tell myself that it makes sense to be upset because I don’t think he is saying what really happened and then I also tell myself I need to collect all of the information before deciding.

My inner dialogue has changed. I have different beliefs that enable me to have greater room for my own experience and my partner’s at the same time. I have increased my differentiation.

Tammy Van Hinte is a licensed psychotherapist in Canada

Focusing on Developmental Couple Counseling with the Couples Institute with Ellyn Bader

“WHAT TO CHANGE? Your first THREE STEPS in an interaction with someone.

THE FIRST THREE STEPS OF an encounter. It is not just a series of emotions or issues, it is the THEME of HOW we interact with each other. Often determined in the first three steps each person takes.” —Ted Doherty, Discernment Counseling Approach