An Introduction to Emotional Bids and Trust
Turning toward your partner’s bids for emotional connection builds trust in your relationship.
By Ellie Listsa
Happy couples turn towards their partners approximately 20 times more than couples in distress during everyday, non-conflict discussions. Newlyweds who were still married six years after their wedding had turned towards each other 86% of the time while in the lab. Those who were divorced six years later, however, had only turned towards each other 33% of the time.
Every time you turn towards your partner’s bids for emotional connection, you are making a deposit in what Dr. John Gottman calls your Emotional Bank Account.
CLICK HERE FOR THE GOTTMAN ARTICLE ON GUIDANCE IN MAKING MORE SATISFYING BIDS FOR ATTENTION!
https://www.gottman.com/blog/invest-relationship-emotional-bank-account/
Ellie Lisitsa: Ellie Lisitsa is a former staff writer at The Gottman Institute and editor for The Gottman Relationship Blog.
“WHAT TO CHANGE? Your first THREE STEPS in an interaction with someone.
THE FIRST THREE STEPS OF an encounter. It is not just a series of emotions or issues, it is the THEME of HOW we interact with each other. Often determined in the first three steps each person takes.” —Ted Doherty, Discernment Counseling Approach
Dr. John Gottman calls bids the “fundamental unit of emotional connection.” They are the gestures between a couple that signal a need for attention. Bids can be verbal or nonverbal and include asking for anything from physical affection to help with a project.
How to make a bid
The person who sends the bid desires to connect. Some bids are overt and obvious to the receiver. For example, if Sam tells Charlie, “Do you have a second? I need to run something by you,” that’s a clear bid. When Charlie initiates sex by winking and lightly massaging Sam’s thigh, that’s a very clear bid.
The more they both turn towards each other and respond to those bids, the more likely they are to send bids in the future. It’s a cyclical pattern that, when done correctly, makes the relationship happy and healthy.
CLICK HERE FOR THE GOTTMAN ARTICLE ON GUIDANCE IN MAKING MORE SATISFYING BIDS FOR ATTENTION!
https://www.gottman.com/blog/3-ways-to-make-a-better-bid-for-connection/
Dr. Gottman’s Guide to Recognizing Bids
https://www.gottman.com/blog/self-care-friendship-and-dr-gottmans-guide-to-recognizing-bids/
By Ellie Listsa
Bids come in all shapes and sizes. How can you be sure.
How do we recognize bids? As Dr. Gottman quips in “The Relationship Cure” that it would be a relief if we could create a world in which “people made all their bids for connection in the form of standard written invitations… all expectations and feelings would be spelled out in vivid detail.” There wouldn’t be any more “tension or guesswork.”
In the interest of responding to others’ bids in healthy ways and learning to create a healthy pattern of interactions in your relationships, here is a list of potential bidding types. See the following to recognize ways your loved ones may be bidding for connection.
CLICK HERE FOR THE GOTTMAN ARTICLE ON DR GOTTMAN’S GUIDE TO RECOGNIZING BIDS!
https://www.gottman.com/blog/self-care-friendship-and-dr-gottmans-guide-to-recognizing-bids/
Ellie Lisitsa: Ellie Lisitsa is a former staff writer at The Gottman Institute and editor for The Gottman Relationship Blog.