Red Flag/Green Flag: What to Look for When You’re Dating

b y Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT

Getting to know someone you really like is wonderful. You feel as if you could conquer the world. You stay up all night getting to know the other person and daydream about when you might see them again. And there is a good reason for this.

We are designed to bond with other humans. When we date, oxytocin is released into our brains. This helps us to bond. Dopamine releases to make us feel happy and elated when in the presence of our person.

Because of this, you aren’t necessarily seeing clearly. You tend to minimize the bad and maximize the good. When you pick up on something that doesn’t feel right or a characteristic you don’t like, you might justify it or explain it away. This is why it’s difficult to recognize red flags at the beginning of your relationship. Your body kind of doesn’t want you to.

Luckily, The Gottman Institute has done a lot of research on what makes certain couples the “masters” and other couples the “disasters” of relationships. I believe you can use this research as early as the first date to start paying attention to whether or not you want to continue with the other person.