How to stop a fight
Follow John Gottman’s four step “Gentle Startup: antidote to criticism” to raise a sensitive topic*:
I feel ________about___________. I appreciate ________ and need or request __________.
Step 1. I feel ________
Make statements that start with “I” instead of “You” to avoid blame.
Do this: I feel very nervous and abandoned when I’m home alone not knowing where my family is.
Not this: You’re always late for dinner and you never think about anyone but yourself.
Step2. …about _____________
Describe what is happening objectively and non-judgmentally. Don’t offer your evaluation of what you think is going on for the other person
Do this: I’m the only one in the house and it’s 6:30, the time we usually have dinner.
Not this: You are selfish and careless, so wrapped up in your own world that it doesn’t even matter to you what time you come home…it could be midnight as far as you’re concerned.
Step 3. I appreciate ________________
Give appreciations. Noticing what people are doing right is always the best way to go. Take the time to search your brain for a time when the person did or is doing something right related to this issue
Do this: I know how hard they’ve been pushing you at work and I really appreciate all you put up with to provide for the family.
Step 4. I need (or request) ___________________
Talk clearly about what you need in positive terms. Express what you want specifically and explicitly, clarifying what you do want rather than what you don’t want
Do this: I’d really appreciate it if you could try to remember to call me by 5:00 to let me know what time you’ll be home
Not this: I do not want to be married to someone who thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to leave me home alone waiting while dinner gets cold without even a phone call