THE FOUR HORSEMEN 

Certain negative communication styles are so lethal to a relationship

that Dr. John Gottman calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. They predict relationship failure with over 90% accuracy if the behavior isn't changed. So, what can you do?

Understanding the negative communication and The Four Hosemen, article by Katie Sanders, LMFT, LPC
CLICK HERE FOR Complete article

Antidote #1: Criticism-Start a conversation with “I” statements. It is important to slow down the conflict and understand the other person's point of view.  “I feel...describe situation...I need…” or start out as “We…” coming together on the struggle are some examples. 

Antidote #2: Defensiveness-Take ownership for your part, and recognize your feelings. This not about pointing out another's faults. Understanding one way isn’t the only way, it can be about perspective. Using “I” statements or offering an apology are great examples.

Antidote #3: Contempt- Remembering another’s positive qualities, acknowledging them, and building positive moments. Using “I” statements, a tone seeking to understand rather than to judge. A willingness to accept a person and demonstrating with a hug, a positive word, helping out; this is part of understanding another and practicing ways that meet their needs.

Antidote #4: Stonewalling-  Openness, connection, willingness to engage, and to share thoughts and feelings. A couple of examples are self-soothing, take a break do something else to calm down and then come back within 24 hours for continued dialogue and resolution.