The Four Moves Of Being Heard

When Speaking and Listening Is Happening

Here is the “cheat sheet” for the speaker/listener exercise:

IMPORTANT POINTERS:

A. START WITH THE EMOTIONS YOU FELT DURING THE INCIDENT: Sad, hurt, happy, etc.

THEN, the narrative or subjective story of your point of view.

B. After the listener reflects back a summary of what they head the speaker say, the speaker has the following response options: 

Move 1. I feel understood. You got it. etc.

Move 2. Tune it up

Move 3. Add

move 4. Subtract

Continue until Speaker feels heard, then the Listener becomes the Speaker.

C. The Listener saves their insights, explanations, etc. until it is there turn to be the Speaker.

The Four Moves Of Being Heard
by Don Elium, MFT

July 28 2021

Don’t expect your partner to totally understand you in one back-and-forth of Speaking and Listening. It often takes several rounds for the Speaker to really get to what is concerning them and for the Listener to really understand what that is. However, sometimes one back-and-forth does work. Here is an example:

Speaker: I am frustrated and angry.  When I left for work this morning I did’t see the printout that you said you would do, and I had to do it myself, which made me late for my meeting.

Listener: Ooh. You are angry and frustrated with my forgetting to print the papers that I said I would do and that caused you to be late.

Speaker: Yes, you got it.

The above is a back and forth; one round. The Speaker was satisfied that the Listener understood the emotional impact and what the complaint was about.  They could now move onto a repair attempt.

Listener: I can see how I made your already busy day harder. I will do better at prioritizing the things I agree to and make more time to do them. I am sorry.

Speaker: Thank you.

Most often, however, it is in the several back-and-forth that understanding becomes most satisfying and repairs can be made through targeted actions. This can help reduce the upsetting emotional impact and clear the way for actions that actually make things either less worse in tough situations or actually better.

Speaker: I am frustrated and angry. When I left for work this morning I did’t see the print out that you said you would do, and I had to do it myself, which made me late for my meeting.

Listener: You are angry and frustrated with my forgetting to print the papers that I said I would do, and that caused you to be late.

Speaker: Yes, and I want to ADD, I know you are very busy, but this has become a pattern since you started back to work.

Listener: So, my failing to do the printout caused you distress, and this has been happening more often since I went back to work.

Speaker: Yes, but let me tune that up some; it is only in the mornings. The rest of the day has been great. So not all the time, except when I ask at night and you agree, but what I need isn’t done in the morning before I leave for work.

Listener: Okay, so it isn’t all the time—just the mornings when I agree at night to do something for you that you have to have done by me.

Speaker: Almost. I would SUBTRACT “have to have done by me.” I don’t really have to have it done by you. I can make other arrangements. It is just that I am counting on you to do what you agree to do for me the night before, so I don’t make those arrangements.

Listener: Oh, so you are saying if I say no, you can make other arrangements.

Speaker: Yes, you got it. Thank you.

More back-and-forth in this manner keeps the focus on deepening and clarifying the speaker’s concerns. Using the Four Moves Of Being Heard often opens up new understandings that were unknown or not understood. This can give each person more options to be successful in their agreements and interactions.  This also helps the Speaker become clearer about what is really bothering them in a very SPECIFIC way. This allows for the actual problem to be fully defined and addressed in a way that will actually be better for everyone.

Of course, pressure is on the Listener to stay in a clear listening mode, not interrupting, not imploring any of the Four Horsemen, and genuinely seeking to understand the whole of what the Speaker is trying to say.  It helps to give the Speaker some grace to be unclear, and they will eventually find what they want to express. Not always easy. Not always simple. But possible. 

And then, if the Listener has more to say about their feelings, their experience or their concern from their point of view, they can have a turn with the Speaker becoming the Listener and the Listener becoming the Speaker.

To learn this will require some structured practice. Once you get the hang of it, you will find yourself dropping into these patterns of Speaking and Listening in a more natural way.  At first it will be awkward. Soon, it will be valued and feel natural, because you can find new doorways through hard problems that feel and work better. The perpetual disagreements about laundry, dishes, cleaning, money, and so forth, will be managed better as these challenges occur. Being aware of what is really happening and what you and others are really feeling will make Speaking and Listening easier and more productive.

And, when it become more natural and you get stuck, you can always go back temporarily to a more structured back-and-forth of the 4 Moves Of Being Heard.  Each person will need to find their own unique ways of working with the 4 Moves. You can change the wording, you can change whatever you need to make it your own, as long as the Speaker feels understood, and the Listener gets a turn to be the Speaker when needed.