“There is nothing wrong with you, life is just far harder than you expected.”

EMDR

NOTE: TeleTherapy with EMDR is available and is effective as in-person sessions ...

Sometimes, when people go through challenging and sad events, moving on and letting go can be hard. These events could include things like scary and painful experiences, being afraid of standing up to someone, parents getting a divorce, losing someone you love, getting very angry and reacting strongly, feeling like the emotions from the event are still happening, and no matter how much you try, you can't forget about it.

Doctors call these ongoing reactions to past events "post-traumatic stress." It was thought that it only happened to soldiers in war or physically hurt people. But now they know it can happen in many different situations. It occurs when something big and sudden changes in your life, when you feel disappointed, or when vital needs essential for your survival and well-being are not being met.

The term "Post Traumatic Stress" came about because of the experiences of many soldiers who fought in the Vietnam War. When they returned home, they had ongoing problems from their war experiences. They would have flashbacks, which means they would relive the scary events as if they were happening again. They would have bad dreams and feel scared even after waking up. It was hard for them to concentrate, and they would feel numb inside. Sometimes, their emotions would be too strong or weak, and they had a hard time being close to other people in their meaningful relationships. These were common but extreme symptoms that many soldiers experienced long after they had left the battlefield and returned home.

It's important to know that these reactions can happen to anyone who has gone through tough and sad events, not just soldiers. It can affect people in different ways and to different degrees. But the good news is that there are ways to get help and support to feel better and move forward.

During and after World War II, people described these experiences as "shell shock." Then, after the Korean Conflict, it was called "battle fatigue." After studying these extreme reactions more closely, researchers discovered that similar responses, known as post-traumatic stress, can also happen to people who go through less severe but still traumatic and disruptive events. These events could be family tragedies, being in abusive relationships or domestic violence, going through common divorces, having emotionally and physically abusive childhoods, or experiencing any event that brings up intense and overwhelming feelings that can't be resolved all at once.

These reactions can happen when someone goes through difficult and painful experiences for a long time. They can also occur when someone is dealing with unresolved grief from losing someone they love or losing meaningful relationships. The emotions that were not fully felt, expressed, or processed start to show up later, even long after the event has passed. These emotions can disrupt everyday interactions with family, friends, and coworkers. For example, someone might feel fine and loving towards their spouse one moment, but when their spouse does something even slightly annoying, they suddenly can't stand them. They might see their spouse as a terrible person they hate, someone out to get them, even though their spouse hasn't done anything significant. These reactions caused by post-traumatic stress can make someone react quickly and strongly to situations in the present moment that don't seem to deserve such intense responses.

Many people today experience some form of post-traumatic stress (PTS) in their adult lives. That's because modern life can be insensitive, even though we have many conveniences. Adults and children go through losses and painful experiences, but they keep moving forward to the next thing. Sometimes, without realizing it, life moves so quickly that we try to leave behind the emotional hurts we've gone through. Our brains and nervous systems remember these hurts, even if we don't.

When a person has symptoms and pain that are hard to explain, doctors and therapists try to figure out what might have happened about a year before. They've found that sometimes it takes about a year for emotional hurt and pain symptoms to show up after a traumatic event. After that much time passes, a person might not connect their symptoms to an event or time in their past. Many layers of unaddressed emotional conflicts and pain can build up in a person's nervous system. As a result, they might start experiencing emotional distress through dreams, daydreams, thinking about things repeatedly, feeling anxious, or worrying a lot.

In many traditional tribal cultures before modern times, it was essential for the tribe members, especially warriors, to have enough time to release their emotions after any traumatic event. This was crucial for their survival. Strong leaders and clear-minded people were needed in dangerous moments, so they couldn't let past hurts, pain and feelings of revenge affect them at those times. If they had unresolved feelings of grief and anger, it would distract them and make them hesitate when it was essential to take risks. This could put the whole tribe in danger. They didn't want their tribal members to seek revenge based on unresolved emotional loss and pain.

To address this, the tribes had rituals, dancing, and special ceremonies that were carefully planned to bring out deep emotions. These ceremonies allowed people to acknowledge, release, and resolve the deeply hidden hurt and pain. It was a way of letting go of the emotional damage that could build up over time and eventually turn into dangerous feelings of revenge.

In the novel Haunt Yo, there is a whole scenario that shows a conflict between the tribal chief and his people. The chief had recently experienced a terrible loss. An enemy war party took away his wife and children. To ensure their chief could be a good leader again, the tribe insisted that he fully grieve for many days in a particular shelter. They knew that without going through this grieving process, their chief might hold onto feelings of revenge, which could put everyone's safety at risk.

In today's modern society, when someone's close relative dies, most employees are only given one day off. They are expected to return to work as soon as possible, sometimes even on the same day. Unfortunately, we have forgotten the importance of honoring and working with our natural emotional process after going through traumatic events. Instead, we push those traumas deep into our nervous systems without adequately addressing them. This creates a lot of pressure inside us, and it starts to affect how we react to things happening in the present moment, whether with strangers or with the people who are important to us.

We end up being influenced by intense unconscious feelings that can cause trouble in our marriages, relationships with our children, and even battles with our bosses at work. We try to avoid facing these feelings, but eventually, they make themselves known by causing troubling symptoms and problems in different areas of our lives. Sometimes, these problems can even come up in sites unrelated to traumatic events.

We need to remember the wisdom of honoring our emotional process and giving ourselves the time and space to heal after going through difficult times. By acknowledging and addressing our emotions healthily, we can prevent them from causing further problems and find greater peace and well-being in our lives.

EMDR is one of the few evidence-based therapies for emotional troubles from grief and trauma.

Even though many books and websites tell us how to handle difficult situations and understand our emotions, it can be challenging to change how we react to the people we care about. We learn a lot about what's wrong with us and why we act the way we do, but we still find it tough to get along with each other. The real issue is often not how we're different from each other but rather our struggle to deal with those differences. This struggle happens because we have a lot of emotional pain inside us that we haven't been able to heal. It's like a volcano inside us that's always ready to explode, even though it might not show on the outside.

In my first set of therapy sessions using EMDR, I focused on dealing with the after-effects of a scary incident that happened to me in Oakland, CA,. At that time, I didn't think this event could cause my post-traumatic stress, but during the EMDR therapy, we concentrated on that memory and its impact on me. It turns out it's common for people who've been through traumatic experiences to deny or ignore the effects it has on them.

After I was attacked and robbed, I talked about it during my therapy sessions and shared my intense feelings of anger, hurt, and rage. I started to feel better at that time. After a few days, I could get out of bed and return to my usual routine. I thought everything was fine, and I had put it all behind me. But as the years went by, I noticed that I would feel tense whenever I saw young men dressed similarly to my attackers. Driving past the street where it happened made me feel uneasy, so I would take detours to avoid going near that place. These reactions became a regular part of my life.

I learned to live with the sudden rushes of adrenaline and the lingering fears, even in safe and well-lit areas when I walked at night. It became a part of who I was for the next ten years. However, during my first EMDR sessions, I finally faced the intense fear I had kept buried inside me. It was a terrifying experience, but it gave me great relief. By the third session, I noticed I no longer felt scared when I turned off the light before bed.

I was surprised. I didn't even realize that I had always felt scared. I only noticed it when what I thought was "normal" suddenly changed. It turned out that feeling scared every night for ten years wasn't normal, even though it had become familiar to me. But thanks to the EMDR sessions, many good things happened. I stopped having scary nightmares and night terrors, and I didn't get all jittery and scared when I saw young men who dressed like muggers. After going through a series of EMDR sessions, I could remember the whole event without feeling numb or scared anymore. I could even drive past the place where it happened without feeling afraid. It became just a memory of something terrible that had happened, and it was over. It was like waking up from a long, bad dream. The problems I used to have, like feeling scared all the time, stopped bothering me during the day and night.

Lots of people have similar experiences after doing EMDR therapy. It's important to remember that not all cases of post-traumatic stress can be fully addressed in just a few sessions, although some can. The severity of the symptoms, how bad the trauma was, and how old you were when it happened all affect how long the therapy will take. But EMDR often helps speed things up compared to other types of therapy. People who have struggled for years with things like sadness, anxiety, panic, depression, nightmares, and outbursts of emotions have noticed that after EMDR, they don't automatically get as angry, sad, or scared as they used to. In many cases, those reactions are significantly reduced or even gone. Their minds and attention can focus on other things instead.

One client had an exciting experience after she spoke up in a business meeting. She noticed something different - she didn't have a panic attack like she used to have during sessions. It was the first time she spoke up and addressed a problem that had been bothering her for a long time. You see, the feelings of fear from her past traumatic experiences were stuck in her nervous system. They caused her to feel scared whenever she had to talk to a group of people. But now, those feelings were gone. Instead of being haunted by reactions to things that had happened in the past, she could focus on dealing with the conflicts she was facing in the present.

When clients succeed with EMDR, they often notice changes once they realize that their symptoms have gone away. They don't have to struggle to hold back their strong emotions anymore. The intense feelings they used to have don't affect them as much. They can respond more to what's happening right now and worry less about the fears from the past that still lingered in their minds like ghosts.

Researchers are currently studying why EMDR is so helpful for trauma caused by emotional events. There are different ideas about why it works, but none have been proven yet. One statement many people believe is that EMDR activates a healing process in the brain similar to what happens during REM (Rapid Eye Movement) dream sleep. When we desire, our eyes move under our eyelids as our brain tries to manage and process the worries and fears from our past experiences. If someone doesn't get enough sleep and misses out on REM sleep for several days, it can make them mentally unstable, even if they aren't physically tired. Their unresolved worries and emotions can affect their mental well-being. EMDR might be doing something similar to what happens during REM sleep, but while the person is awake. It could be helping them release the built-up emotions healthily stuck in their nervous system.

When trauma gets stuck in our nervous system, it brings fearful thoughts or beliefs. For example, after my mugging, I believed that "I don't know how to stand up for myself." I knew this belief was true because whenever I thought about it in connection to the mugging, I would feel nervous. But after going through EMDR therapy, something unique happened. I could think of the exact phrase, "I don't know how to stand up for myself," without feeling that strong reaction anymore. My new belief about myself became "I know how and when to stand up for myself and others." Before, when I said this new phrase, I didn't believe it. But after completing the therapy, I was surprised to find that it felt natural and authentic. I realized that I now have a better sense of personal boundaries and understanding when I need to take action for my well-being and the people I care about.

Dr. Shapiro, the creator of EMDR, explains this healing process of the brain and nervous system using a metaphor of food digestion. Eating food gets broken down into different parts, some for growth, some for energy, and some for waste. Our body's metabolic system knows exactly what to do with each part of the food we consume. Once it's done, the food is no longer there. The nervous system works similarly, except when feelings get locked up by trauma. It's like a piece of food that resists digestion and stays in the stomach, causing discomfort and irritation. EMDR helps unlock those trapped feelings and releases them to our already existing network in the nervous system. This network knows precisely how to process and use every aspect of those locked-up feelings until they are all used up. This frees us to feel more alive and refreshed in the present moment.

So, EMDR therapy in psychotherapy helps in two critical ways. First, it helps release the trapped trauma from the nervous system, just like digesting food in our bodies. It allows our nervous system to process and use up those locked-up feelings. Second, it helps us replace negative beliefs about ourselves with positive ones based on our natural human instinct to survive and thrive.

Dr. Shapiro, who developed EMDR, has done research that shows its long-term effectiveness. She started her work with Vietnam veterans who had extreme symptoms of post-traumatic stress, and even after more than 20 years, the results are still good. The veterans who participated in her study didn't experience the same symptoms after being treated with EMDR. Dr. Shapiro's research, along with studies by other researchers around the world, is ongoing. It takes time to gather all the information needed, but the essential work clinicians are doing right now is helping many people.

If you want to learn more about the formal research on EMDR, you can read "EMDR: Basic Principles, Protocols, and Procedures" by Francine Shapiro, Ph.D. It has a lot of exciting information. It's worth mentioning that previous psychotherapy has been shown to make EMDR more effective. However, it's not necessary to have had therapy before trying EMDR. EMDR can be used with kids as young as three years old, teenagers, and adults of any age.

In my practice, I use psychotherapy with EMDR to help men and women with different challenges. Some of these challenges include problems with their relationships, like codependency, or issues in their marriage or divorce. Others may have trouble controlling their anger and have outbursts, while some adults have experienced abuse as children. I also work with people going through career changes, have low self-esteem, panic attacks, depression, or have survived violent assaults, including rape. These are problems that many of us face, and sometimes we feel like we have to live with the symptoms. But with EMDR therapy, things can get better.

Bob D. shared his experience. He said, "I used to talk a lot in therapy about losing my parents in an accident. But with EMDR, even though it was tough to feel, the sadness started to go away. Now, I accept that I can't go back, and I can move forward and face the world without them."

"Don's use of EMDR therapy helped me move forward after I lost my young son to violence. I had been stuck in grief, staying in my home for more than four years. I know I will never fully get over the loss of my son, but thanks to EMDR, I realized that I don't have to stop living." - Jan. M.

"I was struggling with a lot of anger towards my young children and knew I needed help. Don used EMDR, which helped me dig deeper into the root causes of my anger and let it go. Now, I can handle the normal frustrations of being a mom without getting explosively upset." - Debbie H.

"My wife is thankful for EMDR because it has made a big difference in my temper. I'm not as easily irritated when interacting with my family anymore." - John D.

"I had a scary car accident when I took a curve too fast and hit a tree. Luckily, I only had a few bruises, but after that, I would feel scared every time I drove around that curve and even in my dreams. Don used EMDR to help me face and lessen the fear and deep sadness. I can drive around that curve without feeling scared, but I still remember how lucky I am to be alive. And I drive more safely now!" - Anthony B.

"The sudden divorce brought a lot of sadness, anger, and fear, and it made me feel emotionally stuck for a long time. I was either really angry or just numb. But with EMDR, I started to peel back those layers of shock and numbness. It helped me let go of my rage and start accepting my situation in a way that allowed me to take care of myself and my responsibilities." - Sally G.

Each person's experience with EMDR is different, and that's okay. The first session will be an evaluation to understand the specific issue and its history. After that, the first EMDR session can take place. However, sometimes more assessment is needed to ensure safety and effectiveness. People have different reactions during the first EMDR session. Some may feel strong emotions like tears, fears, or an enormous sense of relief. Others may feel lighter bursts of emotion. Sometimes, there might be physical trembling. There can be significant emotional and physical releases for those who have experienced severe physical or emotional trauma, especially during childhood. However, as the session progresses, the intensity of these reactions tends to decrease. It may take several sessions to reduce their power entirely. Some clients notice changes in their thinking patterns even if they don't have strong emotional responses. Others experience deep and restful sleep with more dreams, while some may not remember them. Some continue to process their feelings for up to a couple of days after the session. If there are concerns about what's happening during EMDR, it's always okay to contact your therapist and get additional help.

Everyone responds to EMDR in their way, and there is no right or wrong way to experience it. Psychotherapy with EMDR takes into account these individual differences. Since rapid emotional releases and changes can be new to many people during EMDR, it's essential to take time after the session to relax fully and feel the effects of the experience. Keeping a journal and writing down your feelings and thoughts afterward and throughout the week can be helpful and make EMDR more effective. It's generally a good idea not to start EMDR right before a vacation, so if you experience distress, you can have another session without waiting. It's also advisable not to have your first or second session right before an important work presentation or during times of high pressure. However, after several sessions, most clients say that their experiences with EMDR become more integrated into their daily lives.

It's essential to use EMDR carefully in cases involving incest, sexual abuse, dissociative disorders (DID), borderline personality disorders, bipolar disorder, and individuals with fragile health. EMDR may not work if a person benefits from their symptoms and is not ready to change their life. It may also have limited results if the person needs medication for a biological imbalance. However, when the appropriate treatment is in place, EMDR tends to work well. (Note: EMDR is NOT meant to replace any medical treatment for medical conditions.)

Sometimes, compared to regular therapy, change can happen quickly with EMDR. One person came into the session feeling a lot of hate toward their husband, but they left with a new understanding. They realized that their reactions were connected to old pain from a long time ago, and they no longer felt that pain. Another client, a man who struggled with intense anger and sadness, felt relief as he watched scenes of his angry episodes pass during the session. He felt so relaxed afterward. It's important to know that not all post-traumatic stress reactions can be resolved in just a few sessions, but some can. Over time, EMDR helps unlock the layers of pain we carry, and once the core pain from a specific trauma is released, the related symptoms start to ease. This frees our attention to focus on what's happening now instead of reacting to the past.

When choosing a therapist, it's crucial to find someone you like who is well-trained in the area you need help with. You can ask them about their training and ensure it's from Dr. Shapiro's EMDR Institute, Inc. in Pacific Grove, CA. It's also helpful to ask the therapist if they have experienced EMDR as a client. Remember, your therapy can only go as far as the therapist is willing to take you. EMDR doesn't replace regular therapy but is often integrated into the therapist's existing practice. So, your experience with EMDR can differ depending on the therapist you work with. It's also essential to plan for the financial aspect of therapy.

EMDR fees are usually similar to regular therapy rates and can vary with each therapist. Initial sessions are typically around 45 minutes long. However, 90-minute sessions may be needed to address intense past traumas. Depending on your specific issues, you may return to 45-minute sessions later. You can ask your therapist how they structure their time and charges to get a clear understanding.

In psychotherapy with EMDR, the time and effort needed to depend on the specific issues and situations in a person's life. For example, one might want to overcome their fear of driving through a tunnel. Another person may want to improve their communication with their spouse during difficult conversations. Someone else might need help grieving losing a loved one or going through a painful divorce. Parents may want to work on controlling their anger toward their children or spouse. And an adult man may want to address long-standing problems in his attitude and relationships that started in childhood. EMDR is a type of psychotherapy, so it requires more than just one session. However, it can often help relieve emotional distress and reactions more quickly compared to traditional therapy, which many people are familiar with.

It's important to note that severe physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, especially from childhood, may take more time and ongoing therapy to heal. But EMDR can still help bring noticeable results more rapidly than therapy without it.

Regardless of the length of therapy, the goal of psychotherapy with EMDR is to loosen and release problematic symptoms when possible. This allows you to choose new behaviors that work for you instead of against you. When your mind brings up scenes and emotional reactions from past events in the present moment, it's your brain and nervous system telling you that those emotions need your attention. They need to be resolved and released from their hold on you. Effective psychotherapy with EMDR can help free you from the lingering effects of the past and support you in creating a life where you have new choices and responses to the world around you.

Sessions Available on ZOOM