Should sexual details be shared in Infidelity Recovery Therapy or at all?

The Gottman Method approach to affair recovery generally advises caution around sharing sexual details of an affair, as this can often do more harm than good. Here’s how the Gottman approach typically frames this aspect of affair recovery:

  1. Prioritize Emotional Safety: The Gottmans emphasize creating an emotionally safe space to process infidelity. Sharing explicit sexual details can severely destabilize this safe space and amplify feelings of trauma, anger, and inadequacy in the betrayed partner. They advise focusing more on restoring emotional intimacy and trust rather than diving into graphic details that may linger as painful mental images.

  2. Focusing on Why, Not What: Gottman therapists often emphasize understanding the motivations and circumstances behind the affair rather than the physical specifics. By exploring the unmet needs, vulnerabilities, and dynamics that led to the infidelity, both partners can gain insights that help them rebuild and strengthen their relationship. This approach shifts the focus from what happened sexually to why it happened, which tends to be more constructive for recovery.

  3. Managing Trauma Responses: Sexual details are often retraumatizing, particularly when they evoke comparisons and feelings of inadequacy. The Gottman approach acknowledges this by promoting a careful, guided disclosure of information, with a focus on transparency without unnecessary, distressing details. This minimizes the risk of creating additional, long-term trauma.

  4. Working with a “Fair Fight” Methodology: The Gottmans have a structured approach for couples to address issues without escalating conflict. If a betrayed partner asks for details, therapists trained in the Gottman Method encourage setting boundaries on what questions are asked and what information is shared to prevent unnecessary pain and maintain focus on healing.

  5. Supporting Reconnection and Future Intimacy: Instead of focusing on the affair’s sexual aspects, the Gottmans focus on helping couples reconnect, rebuild intimacy, and foster a renewed, emotionally secure attachment. This often includes exercises to re-establish emotional and physical closeness, but without using triggering information from the affair.

The Gottman approach prioritizes managing emotional safety, focusing on motivations rather than explicit details, and setting healthy boundaries. This focus generally encourages healing and reconnection without retraumatizing the betrayed partner.

How can you stop yourself when you are the Predator in the Predator-Prey dynamic?

Stopping yourself when you’re in the "Predator" role can be challenging, especially if it has become a habitual dynamic. (NOTE: the difference between Charactorological Domestic Violence and Episodic Domestic Violence) Recognizing that you're in the "Predator" role in a dynamic is an essential first step toward breaking the cycle. Here are some strategies that can help in moving away from this role and fostering a healthier balance in relationships:

  1. Awareness and Self-Reflection: Begin by examining what drives your behavior. Is it insecurity, a need for control, or a fear of vulnerability? Understanding the root can empower you to address it more directly than projecting it onto others. The most powerful and necessary step to take on a path to change the predator behavior pattern and reflect on often is WHO DO YOU WANT TO BE NOW? Practice steps that align with WHO DO YOU WANT TO BE, knowing you have this aggressive/passive-aggressive trigger and behavior inside of you. It is not your fault that it is there, yet, it is your responsibility.

  2. Establish Accountability: Confide in a trusted friend, partner, or therapist who can gently call out these tendencies when they arise. Having someone else recognize these behaviors can make you more conscious of them in real-time, aiding in quicker course corrections.

  3. Empathy Building: Practice seeing the situation from the other person’s perspective. Ask yourself how your actions might make them feel. Increasing empathy can soften any tendencies to manipulate or dominate the dynamic.

  4. Redirect Energy Towards Self-Improvement: Often, the need to control or dominate is a reaction to personal dissatisfaction or frustration. Channel this energy into your individual goals, like learning a new skill or engaging in creative outlets, as a healthier way to seek fulfillment and self-worth.

  5. Replace Dominance with Curiosity: When you feel the urge to control or criticize, replace it with genuine curiosity. Ask open-ended questions to understand the other person’s perspective. Shifting your focus from control to understanding can lessen predatory tendencies.

  6. Self-Regulation Techniques: Develop skills for emotional self-regulation, such as mindfulness, deep breathing, and pausing before acting or speaking. This can help you stop yourself when you notice behaviors like criticism, micromanagement, or dismissiveness beginning to surface.

  7. Reframe the Relationship: View the relationship as a collaborative partnership rather than a contest. Shift the goal from "winning" or controlling to achieving mutual respect, support, and growth.

  8. Practice the Pause: When you catch yourself acting in a "Predator" role, take a moment to pause. Use this brief break to check in with yourself—Are you feeling threatened? Insecure? This pause allows you to shift from reacting impulsively to responding mindfully.

  9. Use Affirmations and Visual Cues: Remind yourself of the person you aspire to be in your relationships. Visual cues (like a meaningful object) or affirmations (such as “I value cooperation and respect”) can serve as gentle reminders to keep you aligned with this vision.

  10. Regularly Reflect on Relationship Goals: Set clear intentions for how you want to treat and connect with others. Regularly evaluate if your actions align with those values and the person you strive to be in relationships.

  11. Seek Support: Therapy, coaching, or a trusted confidant can help you work through underlying issues that may be fueling the predator behaviors. An outside perspective can provide valuable insights and accountability as you work toward change.

  12. Set Boundaries with Yourself: When you notice predatory tendencies emerging, set mental or even physical boundaries for yourself. For example, if you're prone to controlling behaviors, consciously take a step back and allow the other person space to act independently.

  13. Practice Accountability: Acknowledge when you’ve overstepped or acted in a controlling or dominant way. Apologize when necessary and commit to adjusting your behavior.

It takes effort to reshape established patterns, but with practice and patience, it’s possible to cultivate healthier, more balanced dynamics.


How can you protect yourself when you are caught as prey in the Predator-Prey dynamic?

Protecting oneself in a predator-prey dynamic requires both strategic thinking and strong personal boundaries. Here are some key approaches to help navigate and shield yourself (NOTE: The difference between Charactorlical Domestic Violence and Episodic Domestic Violence )

1. Recognize and Label the Dynamics

  • Understand that the predator-prey dynamic often involves power imbalances, manipulation, or exploitative behaviors.

  • Identifying that this dynamic is present can help you distance yourself emotionally, and avoid falling into common traps that reinforce it.

2. Establish and Maintain Strong Boundaries

  • Define clear boundaries about what behavior you will and won’t accept.

  • Communicate these boundaries assertively and firmly, even if you face pushback or manipulation.

3. Limit Exposure and Interactions

  • Try to minimize contact or interactions with the "predator" as much as possible. If you’re unable to avoid them entirely, consider scheduling time-limited interactions or keeping exchanges brief and professional.

  • Avoid sharing personal information that could be used against you or to manipulate you further.

4. Strengthen Your Support System

  • Surround yourself with people who support and validate you. This provides you with external perspective and emotional support, which helps you remain grounded and avoid the isolation that can come from predator-prey dynamics.

  • Reach out to friends, family, or support groups that understand what you’re going through.

5. Increase Emotional Detachment

  • It’s crucial to detach from any emotional ties or expectations, as these can make you more vulnerable to manipulation. Practice techniques like cognitive distancing to help prevent emotional investment in their words or actions.

6. Focus on Self-Empowerment

  • Cultivate your self-worth and assertiveness to reinforce that you deserve respect. This empowers you to resist manipulation and reclaim any power you may have felt you lost.

  • Engaging in activities that build confidence, such as hobbies, self-care routines, or skills training, can also fortify your resilience.

7. Identify Patterns and Act Strategically

  • Recognize any patterns in the predator’s behavior to anticipate and avoid manipulation tactics. Knowing what to expect can help you better prepare mentally and tactically.

  • Plan your responses in advance. For instance, practice calm, direct responses to deflect intrusive questions or manipulative statements.

8. Seek External Support if Necessary

  • If the predator-prey relationship is causing significant distress or harm, consider consulting a mental health professional. Therapy can provide strategies to manage stress, assert yourself, and heal from any emotional damage caused by this dynamic.

9. Consider an Exit Strategy

  • If possible, plan how to exit the relationship or situation safely. This may involve setting a timeline, securing resources, or preparing emotionally for the separation.

  • Visualize and prepare for potential outcomes to make your exit more manageable and secure.

Protecting yourself in a predator-prey dynamic takes consistent effort and vigilance. Reclaiming your agency and focusing on your well-being can ultimately shift the balance of power and help you exit the dynamic more safely and confidently.

The Predator-Prey Human Dynamics

In human contexts, "predator-prey" dynamics metaphorically describe relationships where one party exploits or harms another. These dynamics can emerge in various domains—psychological, social, economic, or even political—where one individual, group, or institution (the "predator") seeks to control, exploit, or dominate another individual or group (the "prey"). (NOTE: the difference between Charactorological Domestic Violence and Episodic Domestic Violence)

Here are some characteristics of these dynamics:

1. Power Imbalance

  • A central element in human predator-prey dynamics is a significant power imbalance. This can manifest as physical strength, economic control, social influence, or psychological manipulation. The "predator" uses this power to gain control over the "prey," creating a dependency or fear that restricts the prey's autonomy.

2. Exploitation and Manipulation

  • Predatory dynamics often involve exploiting weaknesses or vulnerabilities. Predators may manipulate trust, empathy, or personal insecurities to achieve their aims. This manipulation can be subtle (as in emotional abuse) or overt (such as financial exploitation or coercion).

3. Psychological Manipulation and Gaslighting

  • Predators frequently use psychological manipulation to undermine the prey’s sense of reality or self-worth. Techniques like gaslighting, where the predator denies the prey’s experiences or emotions, can create confusion, self-doubt, and a dependency on the predator's perspective.

4. Control and Coercion

  • Control is often exerted through coercion—imposing restrictions, making threats, or creating environments where the prey feels trapped or isolated. This can range from limiting social contact to financial control, effectively reducing the prey’s options for escape or independent action.

5. Cycle of Abuse and Dependency

  • In many cases, predator-prey dynamics involve a repeating cycle where the predator alternates between abuse and "kindness" or reconciliation. This creates an emotional dependency in the prey, who may feel they need the predator or that things will improve. This pattern is common in abusive relationships, where the prey feels both fear and attachment.

6. Dehumanization and Objectification

  • Predators often view prey as objects rather than people, leading to dehumanization. This perspective allows predators to justify exploitation or harm without guilt. In severe cases, such as human trafficking or systemic discrimination, prey are treated as commodities rather than as individuals with autonomy.

7. Environmental and Social Reinforcement

  • Societal or environmental factors can reinforce these dynamics. For instance, economic dependency, social stigma, or legal constraints may trap prey in these relationships. Similarly, cultural norms or systemic inequality can create fertile ground for predatory behaviors to thrive.

8. Resistance and Survival Mechanisms

  • Prey may develop strategies to survive within predator-prey dynamics. These include compliance, placation, or masking emotions to avoid further harm. Over time, prey may also build resilience, seeking support systems or planning escapes, but exiting from such dynamics can be challenging and often requires external support.

9. Long-term Psychological and Social Impact

  • Victims of human predator-prey dynamics often experience lasting psychological effects, such as trauma, diminished self-esteem, and trust issues. Recovery can involve a substantial effort to rebuild a sense of autonomy and self-worth, including therapy and supportive relationships.

10. Legal and Social Interventions

  • Unlike in nature, human societies create legal and social frameworks to mitigate predator-prey dynamics, such as laws against abuse, financial exploitation, and discrimination. Organizations and community support networks are critical in helping those caught in these dynamics find protection and resources to regain control.

Human predator-prey dynamics are complex, often shaped by psychological manipulation, social constraints, and systemic power imbalances. They emphasize the need for awareness, empathy, and protective systems to prevent exploitation and support those affected.

How does the human brain play into the predator-prey dynamic?:

The brain's response to predator-prey dynamics, including hunting, fleeing, or defensive aggression behaviors, involves several key areas. These regions are not solely dedicated to predator-prey instincts but instead participate in a network that governs instinctual survival responses, social interactions, and aggression:

  1. Amygdala: This area is central to processing emotions like fear and aggression. In predator-prey situations, the amygdala helps generate rapid responses to threats, activating either fight or flight responses.

  2. Hypothalamus: The hypothalamus plays a critical role in maintaining homeostasis and activating the body's stress response. It communicates with the pituitary gland to release stress hormones (like cortisol) and triggers physical responses needed for survival, like increased heart rate and energy availability.

  3. Periaqueductal Gray (PAG): Located in the midbrain, the PAG is involved in pain modulation and defensive behaviors. It coordinates escape and defensive reactions, like freezing or fleeing, which are essential in predator-prey encounters.

  4. Prefrontal Cortex (PFC): While primarily involved in complex cognitive functions and decision-making, the PFC also helps regulate impulsive responses. It can suppress or control raw emotional responses from areas like the amygdala, though this regulation may be limited in high-stress, instinct-driven situations.

  5. Striatum: Part of the basal ganglia, the striatum, is involved in reward processing and movement. It helps coordinate the motor actions needed for hunting or evading a predator.

Depending on context, the brain’s “predator-prey” potential arises from a combination of these areas working together to support aggressive or defensive actions. The balance and activation of these areas differ among situations, often shaped by evolutionary pressures and individual experiences.

Loosen The Grip of Judgmentalism: Rigid Fixed-Beliefs that blind you to what is happening.

When a new idea and new event comes along that contradicts what you have grown accustomed to accepting as accurate and true, discomfort forms in the brain and nervous system of humans. The technical term for that is Cognitive Dissonance: psychological discomfort experienced when a person simultaneously holds two conflicting beliefs, attitudes, or values. In those moments, to relieve the discomfort or pain, people often justify their actions and defend their beliefs while rejecting what the new idea, belief, or event is really indicating. Our brains like things to stay the same for stability of function. Some people react by dismissing contradictory information to reduce this discomfort, or they adjust their beliefs and exceptions to reflect the new information, idea, or event that has happened. This is often challenging. The brain and nervous system need help in learning that something different is needed to be able not to be blind to what is actually occurring.

Cognitive dissonance can lead to judgmentalism, as it creates mental tension when a person’s beliefs, values, or attitudes conflict with their actions or new information they encounter. To reduce this uncomfortable feeling, people may adjust their attitudes or behaviors or try to justify their beliefs by becoming judgmental toward others who think or act differently.

For example, if someone values being open-minded but feels threatened or challenged by a new idea, they may experience dissonance. Instead of adapting their perspective, they might resolve this dissonance by criticizing others who hold the new perspective. This can show as judgmental attitudes, as they try to convince themselves that their original beliefs are "right" and others are "wrong."

Judgmentalism is often a byproduct of cognitive dissonance reduction strategies, mainly when the discomfort is high, and someone feels unable to reconcile conflicting beliefs or actions more constructively.

To reduce Cognitive Dissonance and Judgmentalism and adjust beliefs to be in line with what is actually happening, try the following question:

The Question:

"What evidence do I have that supports or contradicts my belief?"

Ask yourself questions to loosen the grip of your fixed belief so you can discover what is happening for you in a situation.

To help manage or reduce cognitive dissonance, it's essential to encourage self-reflection and critical thinking. One practical question you can ask yourself (or someone else) is:

"What evidence do I have that supports or contradicts my belief?"

This question prompts a person to examine the validity of their beliefs by considering both supporting and opposing evidence. It encourages a more balanced perspective, leading to more thoughtful consideration of conflicting information.

Additional Questions to Consider:

1. "How did I come to hold this belief?"

   - This encourages reflection on the origins of the belief, potentially revealing biases or influences that may not be valid.

2. "What would I say to a friend with the opposite belief?"

   - This question can help distance oneself from emotional investment in the belief and allows for a more objective evaluation.

3. "What are the possible consequences of holding onto this belief?"

   - This can encourage consideration of the practical implications of their beliefs and whether they align with their values.

4. "Am I open to changing my mind if new evidence arises?"

   - This fosters an openness to new information and encourages a growth mindset.

5. "What are the most compelling arguments against my belief?"

   - Actively seeking out counterarguments can help reduce defensiveness and lead to a more nuanced understanding.

6. “If I allow myself to be reasonably influenced by this new information, how would my belief (POV) change?

Differences between and overlaps of Narcissism, Sociopathy & Psychopathy

Note that these conditions can appear in degrees of intensity and are best formally diagnosed by a Licensed Psychologist or Psychiatrist.

Here's a quick comparison:

Narcissism

(as in Narcissistic Personality Disorder)

  • Main Traits: Grandiosity, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy.

  • Behaviors: Constantly seeks validation, feels superior to others, and can be exploitative in relationships.

  • Primary Motivation:** Their self-image; they need others' admiration to feel validated.

  • Emotional Response:** They can experience deep shame and hurt when criticized.

    Note: Narcissism is characterized by grandiosity, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. It can be divided into two subtypes: grandiose and vulnerable. Grandiose narcissism involves overt self-importance and entitlement, while vulnerable narcissism includes hypersensitivity and defensiveness.

Sociopathy

(as in Antisocial Personality Disorder)

  • Main Traits: Impulsivity, disregard for social norms and rules, manipulative tendencies.

  • Behaviors: May act recklessly, lie, or manipulate for personal gain. Often has difficulty forming long-term relationships.

  • Primary Motivation: Self-interest; focused on immediate needs without regard for others.

  • Emotional Response: May feel guilt selectively, typically about loved ones.

NOTE: Sociopathy is generally considered more environmentally influenced, with individuals displaying impulsive and erratic behaviors and forming attachments to specific individuals or groups.

Psychopathy

(Considered a more severe form of Antisocial Personality Disorder)

  • Main Traits: Lack of empathy, shallow emotions, and often charming or manipulative behavior.

  • Behaviors: They may mimic normal emotions to manipulate others and rarely form genuine emotional bonds.

  • Primary Motivation: Power/control; often uses calculated behavior to achieve personal goals.

  • Emotional Response: Feels little to no guilt or empathy, even towards close ones.

NOTE: Psychopathy is thought to have a more robust genetic basis and is characterized by more calculated, manipulative behaviors and a profound lack of empathy and guilt.

Key Overlaps and Differences

Overlap

  • All three may involve manipulative behavior, lack of empathy, and difficulty forming healthy relationships, but the differences are distinct and essential to note.

Differences

  • Narcissistic behavior is driven by a desire for ADMIRATION.

  • Sociopathic behavior is driven by SELF-INTEREST & GRANDIOSITY.

  • Psychopathic behavior is driven by A DESIRE FOR POWER AND CONTROL, with a more CALCULATED and often EMOTIONALLY COLD APPROACH.

SOURCES FOR THIS ARTICLE: https://www.openevidence.com/ask/7ad34e4b-9550-46e8-afc2-bae378ec07b4

THE DARK SIDE of Influence and Persuasion In Everyday Life and Media>Click Here

THE DARK SIDE of Influence and Persuasion

The Dark Side of Influence and Persuasion

These concepts of influence and persuasion often overlap in psychological, social, and political contexts, but they have distinct meanings and applications:

1. Cognitive Dissonance

    • Category: Psychology / Internal Conflict

  • Definition: A psychological state where a person experiences discomfort from holding two or more contradictory beliefs, values, or behaviors.

  • Example: If someone values honesty but tells a lie, they might feel tension (cognitive dissonance) until they either justify the lie, change their behavior, or adjust their beliefs.

  • Purpose and Function: People often resolve cognitive dissonance by rationalizing or changing their beliefs to reduce discomfort. This can lead to internal changes to achieve psychological consistency.

2. Gaslighting

    • Category: Psychological Manipulation / Abuse Tactic

  • Definition: A form of manipulation where one person causes another to doubt their perceptions, memory, or sanity.

  • Example: In an abusive relationship, one partner may repeatedly tell the other they’re “imagining things” or that events didn’t happen as they remember, causing the victim to question their reality.

  • Purpose and Function: Gaslighting aims to undermine the target’s confidence, ultimately gaining control by making them question their own understanding of reality.

3. Propaganda

    • Category: Mass Communication / Political Influence

  • Definition: Often biased or misleading information spread to promote a particular political cause or perspective.

  • Example: During wartime, a government might distribute media that exaggerates the enemy’s evil to galvanize support among its citizens.

  • Purpose and Function: Propaganda is used to influence public opinion, often by appealing to emotions, to manipulate or shape people's beliefs and actions in favor of a specific agenda.

4. Rhetoric

    • Category: Communication / Persuasive Language

  • Definition: The art of persuasion through language, often involving well-crafted arguments and appeals to ethos (credibility), pathos (emotion), and logos (logic).

  • Example: A politician giving a speech might use rhetorical strategies to sway an audience by appealing to shared values and using powerful, emotive language.

  • Purpose and Function: Rhetoric’s primary goal is to persuade. Unlike propaganda, rhetoric is not inherently biased or misleading but can be used manipulatively if combined with deception or emotional appeals detached from truth.

Key Differences:

  • Cognitive dissonance is internal, about reconciling one's beliefs or actions.

  • Gaslighting is a tactic to manipulate another person, causing them to distrust their reality.

  • Propaganda spreads one-sided information to shape public opinion and is often institutionally or systematically driven.

  • Rhetoric is a neutral tool of persuasion that becomes manipulative only if it uses deceit or appeals ungrounded in reality.

    ——————————————-

The Differences and Overlaps of Narcissism, Sociopathy & Psychopathy>Click Here

How to stop being contemptuous and be more direct and respectful

Stopping contempt and being more direct can make a big difference in communication, especially in close relationships. Here are some strategies:

  1. Recognize Contemptuous Behavior
    Keep in mind your language and actions. Contempt often manifests as sarcasm, ridicule, or dismissive gestures. Please let me know when you feel contemptuous and take a step back.

2. Practice Self-Awareness

  • Identify the Triggers: Notice when feelings of contempt arise. Often, contempt comes from frustration or unresolved grievances.

  • Pause Before Responding: Give yourself a moment to evaluate if you're feeling irritable or something deeper. This can help you choose a response rather than reacting.

3. Use “I” Statements

  • Instead of saying, “You never listen,” try, “I feel unheard when I don’t get a response.”

  • This helps communicate your feelings directly without blaming the other person, reducing defensiveness and making it easier for both of you to address the issue.

4. Seek Solutions Rather Than Criticisms

  • Contempt often comes from focusing on the other person’s flaws. Instead, focus on the problem. For example, if someone is late, rather than saying, “You’re always irresponsible,” try, “It’s important to me that we respect each other’s time. Can we find a way to avoid delays?”

5. Practice Empathy

  • Consider the other person’s perspective, even when you’re upset. Asking yourself questions like, “What could they be feeling right now?” can humanize them in your mind, making it easier to address your needs without falling into contempt.

6. Be Clear About Needs and Boundaries

  • If something bothers you, please say it directly instead of letting it build up, which can fuel contempt. For instance, “I need us to make time for each other at least once a week” is more constructive than hinting or holding it against them when they don’t meet your unstated expectations.

7. Separate the Issue from the Person

  • Practice seeing the other person as separate from the issue. It’s helpful to remind yourself that their behavior doesn’t define them, which can lower the intensity of contempt and help you speak more directly to the problem. Would you like examples of specific scenarios?

Here are some examples of transforming contemptuous or indirect responses into more direct and constructive ones. Each one offers a way to communicate your needs and frustrations without assigning blame or showing contempt.

Scenario 1: Your Partner Doesn’t Help with Chores

Contemptuous Response:
“You’re so lazy! I do everything around here while you sit around!”

Direct Response:
“I feel overwhelmed with the chores and would appreciate some help. Could we devise a plan together to split things more evenly?”

Why It Works:
This response identifies the issue without labeling or shaming. Expressing a need for partnership and using words like “together” emphasizes cooperation.

Scenario 2: Your Partner is Often Late

Contemptuous Response:
“You’re always so disrespectful of my time! You don’t care about me.”

Direct Response:
“When we’re late to events, I feel frustrated because I value being on time. Can we work on ways to be punctual so we both feel good about it?”

Why It Works:
Here, you’re expressing how the behavior affects you personally. This way, you focus on the impact of their actions rather than their character.

Scenario 3: Your Partner Didn’t Notice a Change You Made (e.g., a New Haircut)

Contemptuous Response:
“I guess you don’t care about me if you didn’t even notice I did something new with my hair!”

Direct Response:
“I got a new haircut, and I was excited to hear what you thought about it. I love it when you notice those things because it makes me feel special.”

Why It Works:
Instead of accusing them of indifference, you can express your desire for validation and explain why it’s meaningful. This helps avoid defensiveness.

Scenario 4: Your Partner Forgot an Important Date (e.g., an Anniversary)

Contemptuous Response:
“I can’t believe you forgot our anniversary! Do I mean anything to you?”

Direct Response:
“It hurt me when our anniversary slipped your mind because it’s something I really look forward to. Can we plan something together to celebrate, even if it’s a bit late?”

Why It Works:
This approach shares your hurt without making the other person feel guilty or worthless. It offers a solution, too, which can make them more willing to make it right.

Scenario 5: Your Partner Often Interrupts When You’re Talking

Contemptuous Response:
“You’re so rude! You never let me finish my thoughts. It’s like what I say doesn’t matter to you!”

Direct Response:
“When interrupted, I feel like my thoughts aren’t being heard. I’d appreciate it if we could work on giving each other space to finish before responding.”

Why It Works:
This turns character criticism into a request for a specific action, focusing on how the behavior impacts you rather than labeling your personality.

WHAT CAUSES CONTEMPT TO GROW> CLICK HERE

HOW DOES THE BRAIN STORE CONTEMPT? > CLICK HERE

How does the brain store contempt?

The brain stores contempt, like other strong emotions, by encoding it as a pattern of thoughts, memories, and reactions. This process involves several brain regions working together:

  1. Amygdala: Known as the emotional center, the amygdala tags memories and experiences with emotional weight, especially if they’re negative. When contempt is felt, the amygdala helps form a negative association with the person or behavior that triggered it.

  2. Prefrontal Cortex (PFC): This area involves thinking and judging. If contempt builds over time, the PFC may start to form negative judgments and stereotypes about the person in question. These can become habitual ways of thinking, reinforcing contempt in the brain.

  3. Hippocampus: The hippocampus stores these judgments and negative experiences as long-term memories. Whenever contempt is felt or expressed, the brain strengthens these connections, making them more easily retrievable in future encounters.

  4. Default Mode Network (DMN): This network of brain regions becomes active when we're not focused on external tasks, such as daydreaming or reflecting. When we dwell on negative experiences with someone, this network reinforces the sense of contempt by repeatedly “replaying” these judgments.

In summary, the brain stores contempt through a cycle of emotional reactions, judgments, and repeated reflections, strengthening connections each time contempt is felt. Over time, these stored patterns become automatic, making it easy for contempt to resurface unless actively addressed.

<More research on how the brain stores contempt.V>CLICK HERE

<WHAT CAUSES CONTEMPT TO GROW? >CLICK HERE

HOW TO STOP BEING CONTEMPTUOUS.>CLICK HERE

What causes contempt to grow?

Contempt often builds up in a person due to unexpressed anger, unmet needs, unresolved grievances, and sustained negative perceptions about others or situations. Here's a breakdown of common causes that fuel contempt:

  1. Repeated Unresolved Conflicts: When conflicts repeatedly go unresolved or are brushed aside, people can feel disrespected or misunderstood, leading to resentment and, eventually, contempt.

  2. Unmet Expectations or Needs: If someone’s needs or expectations aren’t met, especially over a prolonged period, it can create bitterness. If left unaddressed, this bitterness can transform into contempt, especially if the person believes the other party is unwilling or unable to change.

  3. Feeling Unheard or Invalidated: When people don’t feel heard or validated in their emotions, it can deepen resentment. This can be incredibly intense in close relationships, where people might feel dismissed or neglected, eventually leading to contempt.

  4. Seeing Others as Inferior: Sometimes contempt comes from a person’s belief that they are superior. This can happen in relationships where one person frequently criticizes or belittles the other, leading to a dynamic where one is viewed with contempt.

  5. Accumulative Resentment: Contempt can grow as an accumulation of more minor frustrations that are never expressed. When these frustrations are ignored or invalidated, they stack up, leading to contempt for the situations and the people involved.

  6. Cynicism and Negative Beliefs: Over time, if someone repeatedly focuses on the flaws or mistakes of another person (or group), it can breed cynicism, which can turn into contempt. This is common in long-term relationships where negative patterns and assumptions take root.

Contempt can be very damaging, especially in close relationships, as it often leads to more negative interactions and a lack of empathy or understanding between individuals. Recognizing and addressing the root causes of contempt can help to stop its spread and foster healthier, more positive interactions.

HOW DOES THE BRAIN STORE CONTEMPT? CLICK HERE>

A Trigger Reaction Defined

A psychological trigger is a stimulus—like a sight, sound, smell, or event—that causes an intense emotional reaction due to a person’s past experiences. These triggers often stem from unresolved trauma, stress, or a deep emotional association with a particular event. When someone encounters a trigger, they might have a strong, immediate emotional response, which can range from anxiety, sadness, anger, or fear to more complex psychological reactions like flashbacks or panic attacks.

Examples of Psychological Triggers and Reactions:

  1. Sound of Sirens:
    A war veteran might hear the sound of sirens and suddenly feel panic or anxiety because it reminds them of alarms they heard during combat.

  2. Smell of Alcohol:
    Someone who grew up in a household with an alcoholic parent might feel uncomfortable, anxious, or even angry when they smell alcohol, as it brings back memories of negative or traumatic experiences.

  3. A Loud Bang:
    A person who has experienced a car accident might react intensely (e.g., feeling fear, adrenaline, or a racing heart) when they hear a loud bang, associating it with the sound of the crash.

  4. Receiving Criticism:
    If someone grew up in a highly critical environment, they may react defensively or feel a sense of shame when they receive even mild criticism, as it triggers feelings of inadequacy from childhood.

  5. A Certain Date:
    Anniversaries of traumatic events, such as the loss of a loved one or a breakup, can trigger overwhelming sadness, grief, or depression in someone, as the date brings up memories of the painful experience.

How Triggers Work:

Psychological triggers activate the body’s fight-or-flight response by making the brain believe the person is in danger, even if the danger is only perceived and not real in the present. This is why triggers can cause strong reactions even when the current environment is safe.

When you just can’t stop: Harm Reduction

Harm reduction therapy is an approach to health and social services that aims to minimize the negative consequences associated with certain behaviors, particularly those related to substance use. This approach recognizes that while complete abstinence may be the ideal goal for some individuals, it may not be realistic or achievable for everyone. Instead, harm reduction focuses on reducing the risks and harms associated with drug use and other high-risk behaviors.

Key principles of harm reduction therapy include:

1. Pragmatism: Acknowledges that drug use is a part of our world and chooses to work with individuals rather than against them. It emphasizes practical strategies to reduce harm rather than demanding abstinence.

2. Focus on Risks: Concentrates on understanding and mitigating the risks associated with substance use, such as overdose, infectious diseases (like HIV and Hepatitis C), and other health-related issues.

3. Empowerment: Encourages individuals to take control of their own lives and make informed choices regarding their health. This involves providing education and resources to help individuals understand potential risks and safer practices.

4. Non-judgmental Approach: Harm reduction therapy offers a compassionate and supportive environment, free from stigma and judgment, recognizing the complexities of addiction and the varied reasons individuals may use substances.

5. Individualized Care: Recognizes that each person’s situation is unique, and therefore, interventions should be tailored to meet individual needs, preferences, and circumstances.

6. Incremental Change: Supports small, achievable goals that can lead to significant improvements over time. This might include reducing the frequency of use, using safer methods of consumption, or accessing healthcare services.

7. Community Involvement: Engages communities in harm reduction strategies, often incorporating peer support and outreach programs to create a more supportive environment for individuals who use substances.

Examples of harm reduction strategies include needle exchange programs, supervised injection sites, providing naloxone to reverse opioid overdoses, and offering education on safer drug or alcohol use practices.

Overall, harm reduction therapy seeks to improve the well-being of individuals and communities by addressing the realities of substance use in a realistic and empathetic manner.

Focus is on empowerment, in small steps.

It is not a “preferred” treatment approach. It is when the situation where abstinence is not an option and the person is in danger or may put themselves there.

And those who don’t understand might call it “enabling.”

And nobody participating really likes it nor prefers it. Just necessary to preserve life and reduce, not eliminate, suffering.

Another name for it, when all else fails to work: compassion.

Courage

“Clarence Darrow once said, “The most human thing we can do is comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.”

Self-Energy has the courage to do both.

One might think that Self-Energy’s  “it’s all okay” sense of grace would lead to a detached passivity and acceptance of the injustices of life, but that’s not the nature of Self-Energy. The clarity of the Self-Energy makes it hard for people to deny injustice and ignore suffering. The compassion of the Self-Energy leads people to resist tyranny and fight for the oppressed. The words of Self-Energy bring hope to the hopeless. The Energy of the Self seeps into the cracks in the tyrant’s walls and gradually erodes them.

Consequently, oppressors attack people whenever they show any signs of Self Energy-Leadership. Abusers know that this is the way to control people, which is why virtually all people who have been severely sexually abused report that any time they acted in a spirited, spontaneous, or independent way, they were either verbally or physically punished. As a result, they came to fear Self-Energy and keep it out of their body.

Thus, rather than making people passive, confidence and grace have the opposite effect. If we don’t fear attack because we are as vulnerable and trust that we can handle the consequences, courage is much more accessible to us.  If we know that everyone is a wave in the same ocean, we will challenge injustice without judgment.  As Martin Luther King, Jr. expressed, “We must realize that the evil deed of the enemy neighbor, the thing that hurts, never quite expresses all that he is.  An element of goodness may be found even in our worst energy.”

Elsewhere, he wrote:

[Nonviolence] does not seek to defeat or humiliate the opponent, but to win his or her friendship and understanding . . . it avoids not only external physical violence but also internal violence of spirit. The nonviolent resister not only refuses to shoot his opponent, but he also refuses to hate him. At the center of nonviolence stands the principle of love . . . if I respond to hate with reciprocal hate, I do nothing but intensify the cleavage in a broken community. I can only close the gap in a broken community by meeting hate with love. (King, 1994, pp. 211-214)

Courage is not only about being a voice for the disenfranchised. It often takes more courage to recognize the damage we do to others and try to make amends. Clarity helps us to see what we have done and, if we have confidence, to understand that mistakes don’t mean we are bad people.  We will have the courage to listen to the other’s story with curiosity, apologize sincerely, and ask what can be done to repair the damage.  The Self-Energy-Led person dares to act and has the courage to be accountable for acting.

As a person’s Self-Energy emerges, he or she increasingly demonstrates another aspect of courage — the willingness to go toward his or her pain and shame. A person’s internal journeys often involve entering the most frightening places in their psyches. There, they often wind up witnessing events in their past that they had tried to minimize the impact of or forge entirely.  This witnessing often leads to a clearer view of key relationships in the outside world and the determination to change those relationships. These changes sometimes involve financial and emotional risk. It takes courage to look and act on what we see.” —

From Dick Schwartz, Internal Family Systems Model,  pp. 42-44

With great appreciation for Level One Training and IFSinstitute.com

CLICK BELOW TO EXPLORE The 8c’s of Self-Energy

CALMNESS

CURIOSITY

CLARITY

COMPASSION

CONFIDENCE

COURAGE

CREATIVITY

CONNECTEDNESS

Six Steps Of Focusing: How change happens

This process involved an intuitive, bodily sense that he called a "felt sense," which is a pre-verbal, internal awareness of an issue that can be accessed and explored. Gendlin found that clients who could connect with and articulate this felt sense were more likely to experience breakthroughs and lasting change.

Read more

So exhausted, not being myself

A psychological character defect is a persistent personality trait or flaw that negatively affects a person's behavior or ability to function well in relationships and effectively in the areas of the defects. Everybody has some.

Emotional issues are different in this significant way: they can occur in a person's life but may be healed.

Read more

An unhappy marriage can make you sick

The Gottman Marriage Research data shows that couples that are contemptuous of each other are more likely to suffer from infectious illnesses (colds, the flu, etc.) than others due to weakened immune systems.

The Gottmans discovered four behaviors couples display toward each other that can result in unhappiness and more illness, especially CONTEMPT, which is also the most significant predictor of divorce.

Here are four behaviors and their antidotes.

Each of them is actually a desperate cry for help:

  1. Criticism: Attacking your partner's character or personality rather than focusing on a specific behavior. Instead of offering constructive feedback, criticism often involves blaming, generalizing, and using words like "always" or "never."

    Example: "You never listen to me! You're always so selfish."

    Antidote: Gentle Start-Up
    Instead of attacking your partner's character or personality, express your feelings using "I" statements and describe the situation without blame. Focus on what you need or want, not on what your partner did wrong.

    • Example: Instead of saying, "You never listen to me," try, "I feel unheard and would like to have a more meaningful conversation."

  2. Defensiveness: Responding to your partner's concerns or complaints with excuses, counter-attacks, or playing the victim. This behavior prevents effective communication and resolution of issues by shifting blame rather than addressing the problem.

    Example: "It’s not my fault we’re late. You’re the one who took forever to get ready."

Antidote: Take Responsibility
Instead of meeting criticism with defensiveness, which often escalates conflict, take responsibility for even a small part of the problem. This can de-escalate the situation and lead to more productive conversations.

  • Example: Instead of saying, "It's not my fault we’re late; you were the one who took forever," try, "I should have started getting ready earlier."

3. Contempt: Showing a lack of respect for your partner, often through sarcasm, mocking, or body language like eye-rolling. Contempt conveys a sense of superiority and disgust, which can be highly damaging to a relationship.

Antidote: Build a Culture of Appreciation and Respect
Contempt involves attacking your partner's sense of self, intending to insult or psychologically harm. The antidote is to build a culture of appreciation and show respect by acknowledging and expressing gratitude for your partner's positive actions and qualities.

  • Example: Regularly express appreciation, like saying, "I appreciate how you handled that situation today."

    4. Stonewalling is withdrawing from a conversation or shutting down emotionally to avoid conflict or protect oneself from feeling overwhelmed. Stonewalling can make the other partner feel ignored and unimportant.

    Example: When one partner stops responding, gives one-word answers, or physically leaves the room during an argument.

    Antidote: Physiological Self-Soothing
    Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from the conversation, shutting down or refusing to engage. The antidote is to take a break and engage in self-soothing activities to calm down before returning to the discussion.

    • Example: If you feel overwhelmed, say, "I need a break to calm down; let's take 20 minutes and then talk."

These behaviors are considered destructive to relationships, and Gottman Therapy focuses on helping couples recognize and replace them with healthier communication patterns.

(Click here for the abstract of the study; note it is a dense read)