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Don Elium Psychotherapy

  • Blog
  • Sessions
    • Individual Sessions
    • Couple Sessions
    • Grief Recovery Sessions
    • EMDR Sessions
  • Individual-Study
    • The Stages of Actual Change
    • Power of Vulnerablity
    • Stop Dumb Arguments, before you begin them
    • Listening to Shame
    • Forgiveness and anger
    • There is nothing wrong with you, beyond self hate
    • Atomic Habits
    • How Grief Rewires Your Brain
    • Spoon theory — for atypical energy levels
    • Compassionate Friends Support Group
    • Compassion: It is an human instinct
    • What Is Narcissism?
    • Dopamine Detox
    • Cognative Dissonance
    • Mistakes Were Made, But Not By Me (Cognitive Dissonance)
    • BREATHING and anxiety reduction
    • The Gift of Fear -- Trusting Your Gut
    • Body Based Release
    • Anatomy of Anxiety and Panic
    • When Things Fall Apart
    • Boundaries
    • 8 c's
    • State Specific Memory
    • 5 Common Regrets
    • Resentment defined
    • Addiction and Recovery
    • Grief Recovery & Feeling Lighter Study
    • Grief/Trauma Recovery Letter Process
    • Grief Books For Many Loss Situations
    • Free Grief Support --- Compassionate Friends
    • 13 Strategies For Overcoming Shame
    • 13 Self-Compassion Phrases
    • Cognitive Dissonance
    • Internal Family Systems
    • IFS -Internal Family Systems Study
    • What My Adult Autism Diagnosis Finally Explained
    • Diagnosed as an Adult
    • Attention Deficit Disorder
    • Zeigarnik Effect
    • Trauma Recovery
    • The Voices In My Head
    • Difference between Panic Attack and Heart Attack
    • Emotional Wheel
    • Attachment Injury Trauma Recovery
    • Mindfulness In Plain English
    • Gentle Belly Breathing
    • Divorce Recovery
    • Introversion
    • Dating and Finding A Partner
    • Meditation & Brain
    • Subconscious Cue Word Procedure
    • Practicing Compassion
    • Bipolar 1 vs. Bipolar 2
    • Psychiatrist Referrals
    • Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples
    • Male and Female Brain
    • BiPolar 1 & 2 Described
    • Sleep
    • ADHD Explanation
    • Cognitive Bypassing
    • Accountability
    • What happens when we sleep
    • Grief rewires after losing someone
    • Adjusting to What Is True
    • The Loss A Very Good Dog and Grief
    • Primal Wound: The adopted child as an adult
    • Signs of Autism in Adults
    • ASD - Autism Spectrum Disorder
    • Stress and inflammation
  • Relationship-Study
    • Gottman Couple Counseling
    • Personal Plan For Change In Your Relationship
    • Repair After An Argument
    • Four Horsemen
    • Make Better Bids for Connection
    • Couples On The Brink: Leaning Out or In?
    • Flexible and Core Needs in Relationship
    • The Emotional Intensity Meter
    • Emotional Flooding
    • Window of Tolerance
    • UNSOLVEABLE PROBLEMS: Dreams Within The Conflict
    • TIMEOUTS for Relationships
    • The CIRCLEBACK
    • The PAUSE sooner
    • RESENTMENT (CONTEMPT): It can kill your marriage and make you sick too.
    • How Enduring Vulverablities Are Affecting Your Marriage
    • Perpetual Problems and Solvable Problems
    • Accepting Influence
    • Gottman Love Lab
    • The Four Moves Of Being Heard
    • Stonewalling
    • Online Relationship Checkup
    • Sound House Of Relationship
    • Vulnerable and Protective Emotions
    • WE ARE JUST DIFFERENT PEOPLE!? WHAT CAN I DO!???
    • Feelings/Needs and Requests
    • Two Kinds of Domestic Violence
    • Steps to Start Couple Therapy Video
    • Self Soothing
    • Complaint Formula
    • 3 Bad Reasons To Separate, And One Good One
    • Shared Meaning
    • State of the Union Check In
    • Couple Development Scale on Differentiation Spectrum
    • Differentiation in Relationships
    • Disappointment
    • Anger is hot. Contempt is cold.
    • Compassionate Agreements vs. Rules
    • Stop Trying to Fix Your Partner's Feelings
    • Sustained Behavior Change
    • The Five Love Languages
    • How To STOP A FIGHT
    • 3 Common Problems in ALL Relationshpips
    • Second Order Change
    • NVC - Non Violent Communication
    • Five Languages of Apology
    • Tell Me No Lies
    • Gottman 7 Principles Book Summary
    • How To Complain Without Hurting Your Partner
    • Hanging Onto To Yourself, and Being Close
    • Don’t Feel Attacked
    • How To Get The Most Out Of Couples Therapy
    • Why Relationships Are So Hard
    • How You Know You Are In The Green
    • Gottman Couples Counseling Study
    • A List Of Core Needs
    • Understanding Must Precede Advice
    • Emotional Bank Account
    • Verbally Abusiveness in Relationships
    • Gottman Charts
    • Eroticism & Self-Care Plan
    • Are You a Sex Addict? 10 Questions to Ask Yourself
    • Sexual Closeness
    • NEED BASED Conversations - NVC
    • Premarital and Dating
    • 52 questions before moving in
    • Marital Separation
    • NVC NEEDS INTERACTIVE
    • The Gray Divorce
    • Emotional Affair Stages
    • The Grief of an Affair
    • Infidelity Recovery
    • Ghosting Damage
    • Friendship honesty or not?
    • 3 Reasons Couple Come to Counseling
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Blog

Impending Grief and How The Mind Reacts

October 8, 2024 Don Elium

When a person experiences impending grief, their mind can undergo a range of cognitive and emotional shifts. Anticipating loss (whether through death, separation, or life change) significantly affects thought patterns, mental processes, and emotional regulation. Below are the many ways a person’s mind may experience impending grief:

1. Preoccupation with the Future

  • Fear of the Unknown: The mind often focuses on future scenarios—what life will be like after the loss, how roles and responsibilities will change, and how they will cope. This can create overwhelming anxiety and fear.

  • Catastrophic Thinking: The person might imagine worst-case scenarios, overestimating the difficulties that lie ahead or envisioning an irreparably painful future.

2. Intrusive Thoughts

  • Constant Thoughts of Loss: The brain can become consumed with thoughts of the impending loss, making it difficult to concentrate on anything else. These thoughts can be repetitive and obsessive.

  • Flashbacks or Imagined Scenarios: The mind may fixate on specific memories or imagine future moments after the loss, which can provoke intense sadness or anxiety.

3. Rumination

  • Regret and "What If" Thinking: The mind may constantly review the past, replaying conversations or situations, and thinking about what could have been done differently. This creates mental loops of regret and guilt.

  • Overanalyzing Interactions: A person might obsess over every interaction with the person or situation they are losing, scrutinizing every detail, looking for mistakes or unresolved issues.

4. Cognitive Overload

  • Mental Fatigue: The emotional weight of impending grief can overwhelm the brain, making it harder to process new information, think clearly, or make decisions. This mental exhaustion often leads to confusion or forgetfulness.

  • Difficulty Concentrating: As the mind fixates on the loss, it may become challenging to focus on daily tasks, work, or even conversations. The brain struggles to allocate attention to anything beyond the anticipated grief.

5. Denial and Disbelief

  • Mental Resistance to Acceptance: The mind might struggle to accept the reality of the impending loss, oscillating between acknowledgment and disbelief. This mental resistance can manifest as periods of denial or a numbness to emotional pain.

  • Cognitive Dissonance: A person might experience conflicting thoughts about the loss—simultaneously preparing for it yet unable to fully believe it will happen. This can create mental tension and discomfort.

6. Heightened Emotional Sensitivity

  • Amplified Emotional Reactions: The mind may become hypersensitive to triggers related to the loss, reacting intensely to even small reminders. Certain words, smells, or places can provoke strong emotional responses.

  • Mood Swings: The anticipation of grief may cause the mind to swing between extreme emotions—sadness, anger, guilt, fear, and occasionally even relief.

7. Cognitive Distortions

  • Negative Filtering: The mind may filter out positive experiences, focusing solely on the negative aspects of the situation or relationship, further intensifying feelings of despair.

  • Black-and-White Thinking: People may experience rigid thinking, seeing situations as all good or all bad, often magnifying the sense of helplessness and hopelessness.

8. Mental Numbing or Detachment

  • Emotional Shutdown: To cope with overwhelming feelings, the mind may partially shut down, creating a sense of emotional numbness or detachment. This is a defense mechanism to avoid feeling the full extent of impending grief.

  • Disassociation: Some people may experience moments where they feel detached from reality or as if they are observing their life from a distance. This disconnection can protect the mind from the pain of anticipation.

9. Existential Reflection and Questioning

  • Search for Meaning: The mind may become preoccupied with existential questions about life, death, and the purpose of suffering. This can be a time of deep reflection on one’s values, beliefs, and the meaning of relationships.

  • Questioning Beliefs: Anticipating loss often leads to a reevaluation of spiritual or religious beliefs. Some may find comfort in their beliefs, while others may question them, leading to internal conflict or a crisis of faith.

10. Hypervigilance

  • Monitoring for Signs of Loss: In cases of terminal illness or the decline of a loved one, the mind may become hyperaware of signs of deterioration, interpreting every physical change or interaction as evidence that the loss is getting closer.

  • Overthinking Actions: The person may scrutinize their own behaviors and words, worrying constantly about how their actions are affecting the person they are losing or whether they are doing enough to "prepare" for the loss.

11. Anticipatory Mourning and Mental Preparation

  • Gradual Acceptance: The mind may slowly begin to accept the loss, allowing a person to mentally prepare for it over time. This gradual processing of grief can help ease the transition when the loss finally occurs.

  • Rehearsing the Loss: Some people engage in mental rehearsals of what life will be like after the loss, playing out scenarios to cope with the uncertainty. This can be a way of preparing themselves emotionally and cognitively for what lies ahead.

12. Overwhelm and Mental Breakdown

  • Mental Overload: For some, the weight of impending grief becomes so intense that the mind enters a state of overwhelm, leading to burnout, panic attacks, or depressive episodes.

  • Mental Paralysis: The mind can feel "stuck" or immobilized by the sheer emotional weight of the anticipated loss, making it hard to make decisions, move forward, or take action.

13. Mental Search for Control

  • Need for Control: To cope with the anxiety of the anticipated loss, the mind may seek ways to exert control over the situation. This can manifest as attempts to micromanage care, control circumstances, or become overly involved in practical matters related to the loss.

  • Perfectionism: The anticipation of loss can lead to a hyper-focus on "doing everything right," as a way of avoiding feelings of helplessness. People may set unrealistic expectations for themselves in trying to prepare for the loss or ensure that everything is in order.

14. Hope and Moments of Denial

  • Clinging to Hope: Even in the face of certain loss, the mind may hold onto hope, focusing on potential cures, interventions, or miraculous changes. This can create moments of optimism, followed by disappointment when reality sets in.

  • Shifting Between Hope and Despair: The mind may fluctuate between moments of hope and deep despair, creating emotional instability and cognitive dissonance.

The mind's response to impending grief is a dynamic and complex process, shaped by the individual’s past experiences, coping mechanisms, and support systems. The mental experience is not linear, and people often shift between different states of awareness, acceptance, and emotional regulation as they approach the loss.

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