Two Kinds of Domestic Violence

Two Kinds of Domestic Violence: One is situational, and the other is Charactological, which is more severe.

The terms "episodic domestic violence" and "characterological domestic violence" refer to different patterns and underlying causes of domestic violence within relationships.

ADHD can be confused with ASD - Autism Spectrum Disorder by Don Elium, LMFT

Are ADHD and ASD - Autism Spectrum Disorder sometimes confused with each other?

Can ADHD and AUTISM be confused with each other in both children and adults?

YES.

For children, as well as adults who were not diagnosed as a child or were diagnosed with ADHD, and Autism was not considered in the assessment, there could be an undiagnosed condition whose symptoms are being addressed with the support, accommodation, or medication needed.

With new testing instruments for ADHD and ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) for both adults and children, it is essential to use the appropriate testing instruments when examining behaviors and symptoms of these two conditions. Although sometimes costly, many consider the expense of thorough psychological testing from a clinical psychologist worth it because if there is an undiagnosed condition, it can make specific treatments ineffective. A screening checklist can help decide if testing is needed; more is required in order to fully understand what is happening and how the treatment and kinds of support are required.

Neither condition is curable, but both are treatable.

The difference between treatable and curable lies in the outcome and approach. A curable condition is one where treatment of the disease leaves the patient free of the ailment, such as a bacterial infection treated with antibiotics. In contrast, a treatable condition can be managed or controlled with medical intervention, alleviating symptoms and improving quality of life. However, the underlying disease persists, like diabetes, which requires ongoing medication and lifestyle adjustments to manage.

ADHD and ASD are both not curable and need management with accommodations and different levels of support. Medications can be used to manage symptoms but will not cure them.

So, what are the differences and the similarities?

ADHD (Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder) and Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) are both neurodevelopmental disorders that can exhibit overlapping symptoms, leading to confusion between the two. Here are some key points where confusion can arise:

Similarities and Overlapping Symptoms

1. Inattention and Focus Issues: Both ADHD and Autism can involve difficulties with attention and concentration. Individuals with ADHD may have trouble sustaining attention. They may be easily distracted, while individuals with Autism might appear inattentive or disengaged due to different underlying reasons, such as intense focus on specific interests.

2. Social Interaction Challenges: Both disorders can involve social challenges. Individuals with ADHD might struggle with social interactions due to impulsivity or inattentiveness, while those with Autism may have difficulties understanding social cues and engaging in typical social behaviors.

3. Hyperactivity: Hyperactivity is a hallmark of ADHD but can also be seen in Autism. Children with Autism may exhibit repetitive behaviors or movements, which can sometimes be mistaken for hyperactivity.

4. Impulsivity: Impulsivity is common in ADHD and can also be present in individuals with Autism, though in Autism, it might be linked to difficulties with communication or understanding social norms.

Key Differences

1. Root Causes of Symptoms: The underlying reasons for similar behaviors can differ. For example, inattentiveness in ADHD is often due to a deficit in the ability to sustain attention. In contrast, Autism might be related to being overwhelmed by sensory input or focusing intensely on a specific interest.

2. Social Interaction Differences: While both disorders involve social challenges, the nature of these difficulties differs. In ADHD, social issues often stem from impulsivity and inattentiveness, whereas in Autism, they are more related to problems with social communication and understanding social cues.

3. Communication Styles: Individuals with Autism often have distinct communication styles, including a lack of eye contact or masking when looking in another’s eyes, difficulty understanding sarcasm or humor, and a preference for literal language. These communication challenges are less common in ADHD.

4. Repetitive Behaviors and Interests: Repetitive behaviors and restricted interests are core features of Autism but are not typically seen in ADHD. These might include repetitive movements (like hand-flapping) and intense focus on specific topics or activities.

Diagnosis and Misdiagnosis

• Diagnostic Criteria: The diagnostic criteria for ADHD and Autism are distinct, but the overlap in symptoms can lead to misdiagnosis or dual diagnoses. Clinicians must carefully evaluate the full range of symptoms and their impact on functioning.

• Co-occurrence: It's also possible for an individual to have both ADHD and Autism. This comorbidity can complicate the diagnostic process and the approach to treatment.

Conclusion

Confusion between ADHD and Autism can arise due to overlapping symptoms, but careful assessment and understanding of the distinct characteristics of each disorder can help in making accurate diagnoses. Clinicians must consider how symptoms manifest and affect the individual's daily life to distinguish between the two.

Below is a graphic not to be used for diagnosis but to start looking at these two conditions and gifting in a broader, more accurate way. For a COMPLETE diagnosis, consult with a PhD Clinical Psychologist who has experience with both ADHD and ASD - Autism Spectrum Disorder.

Take a Quick Autism Screener Click Here

Click Here For Testing For Adults with Autism

Grief Rewires The Brain After Loss Of Love Ones

By Don Elium, LMFT

By Don Elium, LMFT

Grief is a deeply personal experience that can profoundly impact our emotional and physical well-being. However, many may not realize how grief affects our brain's structure and function. What are the neurological mechanisms behind grief, particularly after the loss of a spouse or partner, and how can these changes manifest in our behavior and emotions?

“Grieving can be thought of as a form of learning—learning that this person is really gone, learning to predict their absence, learning what it means to be a person who has grief or to understand our own identity as a widow instead of a married person.”—-Mary Francis O’Connell, Scientific American

The Brain and Bonding: A Lifelong Connection: The human brain is wired to form and maintain attachments with loved ones. When we bond with someone, our brain encodes this connection as lasting and constant. This is why, when a spouse, partner,  child, or very close friend dies, the brain struggles to accept their absence. The bond is so deeply ingrained that it feels unnatural for the brain to comprehend that the person is no longer there. The brain’s model of the world is disrupted, leading to the intense emotional pain that accompanies grief.

The Challenge of Updating the Brain's Predictions: Our brain relies on experience and repetition to make sense of the world. When a loved one dies, the brain must undergo a lengthy process of redrawing its internal map to update its predictions. This means learning to adjust to the new reality without the person. This process explains many complex emotions during mourning, such as disbelief, confusion, and yearning for the lost loved one.

Functional Changes in the Brain: Grief doesn't just affect our emotions; it can also lead to changes in our brain's functions. Functional MRI (fMRI) research has shown that grieving can alter connectivity in crucial brain circuits. For instance, studies have found that people grieving the loss of a child show increased activity in areas of the brain related to attention and emotion, such as the Ventral Attention Network, while experiencing reduced activity in regions involved in self-regulation, like the medial prefrontal cortex. These changes can make it difficult for grieving individuals to focus, regulate emotions, and feel like themselves.

Structural Alterations: Grief Rewires the Brain: Grief can lead to structural alterations in the brain and functional changes. Studies have shown that the severity of grief can be linked to changes in the brain’s white matter, which is involved in communication between different brain regions. These structural changes suggest that the brain undergoes a reorganization process as it adapts to the loss, which can be emotionally and physically exhausting.

The Role of the Attachment System: The attachment system is a set of brain circuits that help us form close bonds with others. When a loved one is lost, these circuits are disrupted, leading to feelings of longing and searching. The brain’s attachment system, which is driven by dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with reward, continues to "search" for the lost loved one, even though they are no longer there. This search behavior is a significant part of why grief can feel so overwhelming and unending.

The Impact on Memory and Reflection The Default Mode Network (DMN), a brain network active during rest and self-reflection, plays a crucial role in processing grief. This network helps retrieve memories of the loved one, which can trigger intense emotional responses. Grieving individuals often find themselves ruminating on memories, which can be both comforting and painful. The DMN’s involvement in grief highlights how intertwined memory and emotion are during the mourning process.

Therapeutic Interventions: Helping the Brain Heal: Understanding the brain's response to grief has led to the development of targeted therapeutic interventions. Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) and the Grief Recovery Method are two approaches that have shown promise in helping individuals manage grief. MBCT can reduce excessive connectivity between brain networks involved in rumination and stress, helping to improve emotional regulation. Though the process may be slow and challenging, these therapies can support the brain’s natural ability to adapt and heal over time. The Grief Recovery Method helps process the Resentments, Regrets, Unexpressed Emotions, and Unexpressed Gratitude, helps loosen the grip of the rumination and obsessions on the past, and frees up a person to live more in the present in acceptance.

Compassionate Understanding of Grief: Grief is not just an emotional experience but a profound neurological event that rewires the brain in response to loss. Understanding the brain’s role in grief can help us approach the grieving process with more compassion, both for ourselves and for others. By recognizing the significant changes in the brain during grief, we can better appreciate the depth of the mourning experience and the importance of providing support during such a difficult time.

When we’re grieving, the feelings we have, the thoughts that we have, even some of the things that we do—we feel like we’re losing our mind. But if you understand why your brain might be reacting this way, I think it gives us a little patience with ourselves. Grieving is a form of learning. And learning takes time and experience, and our brain is doing its best to help us. But it’s going to take some time. — Mary Francis O’Connor, PhD

—————Resources for this article include:

Mary Francis O’Connor now runs the Grief, Loss, and Social Stress (GLASS) Lab at the University of Arizona, where she tries to tease out the biological mechanisms underlying grief. In particular, she studies prolonged grief, a state in which people don’t seem to heal, instead staying immersed in their loss for years. In her book, The Grieving Brain (HarperOne, 2022), O’Connor explains how insight into brain circuits and neurotransmitters can enable us to navigate bereavement with self-compassion. “Grief is the cost of loving someone,” she writes. When a loved one dies, it can feel like we’ve lost a part of ourselves because their presence is coded into our neurons. ……. The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss by Mary Francis O’Connor.

How the brain copes with grief, by Claudia Christine Wolf, February 27, 2024, Scientific American.

Click Here https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-the-brain-copes-with-grief/

REDUCE ANXEITY with Diaphramatic Breathing

Diaphragmatic breathing, also known as deep breathing or abdominal breathing, involves breathing deeply into the diaphragm rather than shallowly into the chest. This technique has several benefits:

Physical Benefits

1. Improved Oxygenation: Diaphragmatic breathing increases lung capacity and enhances the oxygen supply to the blood, which can improve overall energy levels and physical performance.

2. Reduced Heart Rate: It can help lower the heart rate and blood pressure, contributing to cardiovascular health.

3. Enhanced Digestion: This type of breathing stimulates the vagus nerve, which can improve digestion and reduce symptoms of gastrointestinal distress.

4. Pain Relief: Deep breathing can release endorphins, which are natural painkillers produced by the body.

5. Improved Posture: Engaging the diaphragm helps improve posture by aligning the spine properly and reducing tension in the neck and shoulders.

Mental and Emotional Benefits

1. Stress Reduction: Diaphragmatic breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system, promoting relaxation and reducing stress and anxiety.

2. Improved Focus and Concentration: By increasing oxygen supply to the brain, this breathing technique can enhance cognitive function and mental clarity.

3. Emotional Regulation: Deep breathing can help manage emotions by calming the nervous system, making it easier to respond to stressors more calmly and effectively.

4. Better Sleep: Practicing diaphragmatic breathing can promote relaxation and improve sleep quality by calming the mind and reducing physical tension.

Long-term Health Benefits

1. Chronic Pain Management: Regular practice can help manage chronic pain conditions by reducing muscle tension and promoting relaxation.

2. Enhanced Immune Function: Reduced stress and improved oxygenation can support the immune system, making the body more resilient to infections and illnesses.

3. Reduced Risk of Hypertension: Consistent practice can contribute to lower blood pressure over time, reducing the risk of hypertension and related complications.

Incorporating diaphragmatic breathing into daily routines can lead to significant improvements in both physical and mental health, promoting overall well-being.

Grief: Adjusting To The Impact Of UNSTOPPABLE CHANGE

The Grief Recovery Method, click here

5 Different Pathways For Divorce

Here are the different pathways for divorce:

1. Do it yourself: The couple handles the divorce process independently.

2. Mediation: A neutral third party helps the couple settle.

3. Collaboration: Each spouse works with their lawyer to negotiate a settlement.

4. Court Settlement: The court decides on the divorce terms.

5. Going to trial: The divorce case is heard in court, and a judge makes decisions.

Most Common Pathway For Divorce: The most popular option is mediation, which is less adversarial and can result in a quicker and more cost-effective resolution than going to trial.

Least Common Pathway For Divorce: The least popular option is going to trial, typically seen as a last resort due to its time-consuming and expensive nature.

My spouse and I are separating. What's the best way to tell the children?

Don: Here are some key points to consider as you take this very difficult step.

Preparation: Preparing for this conversation with your spouse with a counselor is best. You need to sit down with your spouse and jointly come up with answers to the questions your children are most likely to ask. This may be tense, but it is best done before being in front of the children.

1. Why is your marriage ending? Or why are you separating, and does this mean your marriage is ending?

2. When will the first visit to the parent moving out be?

3. How will future decisions about the kids be made?

4. Will the children have a room in the new place?

5. Will the children have to move from their current house and school?

~ When to tell them: Ensure they are said at least a few days before one spouse moves out. It is better to say it to them sooner than later so they do not overhear it in the house or from those outside the home.

1. Plan a block after telling them to answer more questions or provide comfort.

2. Don’t break the news on a holiday, such as Christmas, birthdays, or anniversaries of family events. This is a day that will be remembered for a long time. Choose well.

~ Where to tell them: The best place is at home in a family space. It allows them to express themselves openly where they are most familiar. They can also be alone in their bedroom if they desire. Know that the place you choose will carry the memory of this conversation.

~ Who should be there: Ideally, if possible, you and your spouse and ALL the children. Presenting a united front at this challenging time will show that the marriage may end, but your joint care and concern for them won’t. Everyone will be emotional. This is normal.

~ Let honesty be your guide. Simple honesty. Resist the urge to be critical, blame, and bad mouth the other or yourself. Your children will remember EVERYTHING YOU SAY about the other spouse, and they will hold you accountable for that later. Therefore, DO NOT argue and get over the need to hurt your spouse in front of the children emotionally or after the separation. Many children say they never understood why their parents divorced. Save them this worry by being honest about your reasons. It could save the children from begging for reconciliation if they understand the circumstances of the split.

~ Reassure your children that this divorce is about the parents' relationship, not the children's. They are not to blame. Being honest about your split will reduce the guilt of the child. Many children think that there was something they could have done to keep their parents happy together. Having a parent move out can feel like the ultimate punishment for something, so remind them that you both still love them and will continue to care for them.

~ Talk about expectations around the move of the parent leaving. Tell them the day it will happen, when they will see the new place, and when they can stay overnight. Let them know how often they will visit, whether they will have their room right away, if they can bring their pets, and if their school will change.

~ Try to create a positive but honest attitude about their new rooms and having two homes, but don’t oversell it. Just keep it positive and accurate. If there is shouting and discord, you can also tell them that this will stop and that parents will have more time to focus on the kids.item4a1a1

~ Know that this is the beginning of the grief process for each family member, whether it is a separation or a divorce. The family is changing, and each person will react differently.

Final Note: Practice presenting the decision to your children and answering these questions with a friend. You can do this with your ex, but if that is too tense, practice with a friend first, then with your spouse. The more you become familiar with role-play, the more familiar you will be with the emotion that will come when you tell the kids. This is to reduce your shock and help you be present and emotionally available with your kids.~

However, in some cases, little to no emotion is left in the parents' relationship. Be sure to practice what you will say anyway. Sometimes, when you look into your children's faces when they hear the news, your emotions will come. Your feelings aren't destructive; it is just more comforting to the kids if you have adjusted some emotionally to the split so you are not more upset than they are.

And lastly, keep it brief and to the point. Don't try to talk on and on to stop their reactions. Work with whatever they bring up. Be kind to yourself. Later, debrief with a friend.

It is hard on everyone. No one planned for this. It is not easy, but necessary. It is possible to get through these times and keep the kids foremost in mind as the adults work out their adult things. Take it all, one step and then the next.

Should I date while separated?

Don: No.

Not until you clearly define the purpose of this separation with your spouse. There are no rules except the ones you make or don't make. Dating is one of the first issues to be addressed when starting the conversation with separation. Here is why:

Marital separation can have many different purposes.

1. It can be a cooling-off period. You and your spouse have wisely called, “I give up.” Now, you need counseling to address the underlying conflicts that have brought your relationship to the brink. It doesn't mean you will stay married and reunite in one home, but it will be a time to see what is possible before taking the next step. It can be a time to slow down and find CLARITY about your needs now. Don’t make it an emergency when it is already very unsettling for both people. SLOW DOWN.

2. It can be a way of warming up to the reality of divorce. Some couples have things that are not repairable, and separation is just a step for the children and for each person to face the end of a marriage and an intact family.

3. It can be a time to step back, work on the relationship issues, and connect and rebuild the friendship that has been lost.

Whatever the reason for a separation, it is best to get the dating option out on the table and decide. If you don't make a conscious choice, you create a potentially volatile situation if one spouse thinks one way and the other thinks another. The rumor network is very active now, and Social Media can add to the complexity of your situation. If left vague, your children could end up in the middle when you or your spouse is spotted in public being affectionate with another person or hearing from a best friend what they heard from their parents.

So, if you want a cocoon to work on your marriage and to see if a future is possible, then DO NOT DATE. Talk with your spouse up front. If you or your spouse wants to date, then it is doubtful you will be able to focus on the trouble in your relationship and repair it successfully. As long as either of you dates or has a romantic friend, neither will be honest about the issues that need to be faced between you. You will share more with your date or romantic friend than your spouse. You will compare your spouse--- shows your worst side--- with someone trying to impress you. Don't mix apples and oranges. Get clear about what you want. What you do in this area has a tremendous impact, constructively or destructively.

If either of you want to date, agree that dating is okay. Agree to keep it far from the children and not in each other's faces. Your separation is a time to take thoughtful steps forward, but know that this makes divorce more inevitable. See the separation, in this case, as a transition to divorce. Work on getting along for the children's sake, not to rekindle a possible relationship. Start thinking about child custody, visitation schedules, and creating a parenting partnership for your children, not remaking a marriage. That will soon be over. This is a pathway to deal with the business of change and divorce.

When a couple is on the brink, there is so much emotional pain. It is natural to want a new and fresh, soft place to land, talk, and be physically close to what a new dating relationship would provide. Many people don't realize the consequences of dating during separation until it is too late. Crossing this line is hard to recover from. If done secretively, the breach of trust and hurt that results is hard to undo, no matter what was assumed.

So, don't assume; discuss. Decide sooner than later. It is common for those on the brink to reach out to an old high school or college girlfriend or boyfriend who wants to revisit old times and maybe create some new ones. Don't go if you want your marriage to last. Know that you are not at your best right now. You are wounded. No matter who you meet, a big part of yourself and attention is devoted to your painful marriage and family situation. It is natural to want an escape. Find a way to step back instead of stepping over this line.

If you must date, keep it very light; it will be difficult, if not impossible, to be emotionally open until at least a year after the divorce is final. A part of your brain and nervous system is engaged with divorce until it is legal. Give you and your children a chance to adjust, heal, and recover from this unexpected turn that life has brought.

But if you want to try and work things out with your spouse, bring your best self to the most complex issue you and your spouse are having. If you don't want this marriage, get your best self to end it with clarity and respect with a parenting partnership in the future.

What is grief, having a broken heart, really about?

Don: Reality.

Grief-—-having an emotionally broken heart—---is the natural process of coming to terms with the way things are now compared to the way they were. You can expect things to be a certain way, for example, "We will always love living in this house." Then, reality happens, and you have to move because of financial changes. "This is the best dog we will ever have," and then reality happens: eventually, you get a new dog and feel torn up inside. "We will be together forever." Then, a partner suddenly dies. Grief is the natural process of accepting the difference between expectations and the reality of what occurs.

You will know where you are grieving as you note the degree to which events happening right now feel like now instead of being compared to the past. Another indication of where you are grieving is the degree to which you have imaginary conversations about what should, could, or would have been happening instead of what is occurring. Simply, the degrees between what your mind expects or insisting that isn't so.

Four specific reactions hold the pain of grief in place: (1) unresolved or unfelt resentments, (2) regrets, (3) appreciation, and (4) unexpressed emotions. The Grief Recovery Method focuses on transforming resentments into actions of forgiveness, regrets into actions of apology, appreciation into actions of expression, and unexpressed emotions into actions of acceptance.  

Through this process, the mind's expectations lose their grip on your awareness, and you become free to see and work with reality--it is what it is--in your daily moments.

The Grief Recovery Method takes you through the action steps to loosen the grip of imaginary conversations of unreal expectations and free your attention to what is happening in your life. The resolution of grief is being more accessible to be present in what is happening in your life.

When YOU WANT A SEPARATION and they don’t

QUESTION: How do you talk to your partner when YOU want a separation and THEY don't?!

Don: Remember that they will be in shock and not remember much of what you say.

Don't expect them to be reasonable. You most likely have been chewing on this decision for quite a while, and they either didn't know that or have not taken you seriously. No matter how you say it, they will be shocked when you voice your desire or decision. Most likely, they will go into denial, try to discredit your reasons, and plead with you not to go forward in that direction.

DO convey that you know what you are asking for may be unexpected and that you want them to have at least a little time to digest what is happening.

Don't rush them. Don't push your desire for separation aside; just slow down your responses. You are ahead of your spouse in processing your feelings about what is happening.  

DO expect them to bring up the children if this applies. Of course, discussing the children is essential, but first things first. First, space and time are needed to digest what is asked or decided upon.

Don't expect your fantasies of how you see things happening or the care of your children during the separation or divorce to be accurate. You have been planning this in your imagination for some time. You love your children, but you will only have 50% say about their care during a separation or divorce. In most situations, you have more influence over their care when not separating and not divorcing. This is not a reason to not separate, however. This is a reason for you to slow down now and realize that the other voice in the marriage is not in your head but coming from another real person, your spouse. The conversation might also shock you, another good reason to slow down. In this stage, say less and not more.

DO define the reason for the separation that you are proposing. Is it to cool things down so you can get into a calmer place to see if the marriage can be renewed on new emotional terms? Is it to prepare for a divorce? There are no rules that come with a separation. You and your spouse must develop them together. Issues to be considered include living arrangements, child time spent with each parent, financial access and needs, and whether you will date others. If the separation consists of dating others, it is doubtful that your marriage can be renewed.

DON'T discredit your spouse's point of view. It will only make them dig deeper into their already established position. Often, the conversation goes like this: One spouse says, "The people I talk to are saying you are going through a hard time and that the marriage is worth saving." The other spouse retorts, "The people I am talking with say they can understand why I want to separate and are amazed that we stayed together this long." Each spouse has participated in "belief bias," where people gather friends and opinions supporting their already established point of view. Rare is the one good friend that would say, "Yeah, I can see how she wants to leave you. You have done things that have made it hard on them for a long time." You may disagree with how your mate sees things, but you must respect their right to have their viewpoint. It is that viewpoint that they make their decisions from. By the time a couple discusses separation they are already treating each other badly for a long time, and you are acting in ways toward them that even you don’t like about yourself.

A series of short conversations will be necessary, especially at the beginning. Intensity will be high on both sides, so you must take breaks. Take breaks often. Each party must take responsibility for monitoring the level of intensity. On an emotional intensity scale of 0-the lowest and ten the highest, when either of you feels an increase of 5-6 or over in intensity, ask to take a break. Say, "I need to take a break to calm down and be more reasonable. I will be back shortly." Do NOT say, “I think you need a break.”  The last words you say will be the ones your spouse remembers, so be sure to end with, "I will get back to you shortly." You will not have one extensive conversation. You will have many shorter ones and some much longer ones in the coming days because no one can think well when the intensity exceeds seven on the emotional intensity meter.  

DON’T tell your spouse, "You are too upset now. You need to take a break."  Saying anything that even hints at assuming you know how they feel will derail any attempt at real conversation. You can ask them how they think if you are willing to accept it, but best not to tell them how they feel. Again, this is probably one of the reasons they want a separation.

After a break, find something your spouse said in the last conversation that you CAN agree with, such as, "You are right. I am pushing you to stay, and I need to back off from that." PAUSE. Most likely, your spouse will say thank you and offer something to you, too. It is essential that what you say is TRUE. If not, could you correct it with your spouse later? Neither of you has much credibility with each other right now, so rebuilding trust takes rigorous honesty and the humility to come back and reset. This dignity helps you start liking yourself for the right reasons. Your partner will be able to see that you are turning toward the process of transformation and away from the actions and attitudes that got you to the point of a separation conversation. You have dug your hole daily for a long time. Getting out of it will take less time than digging it, but only expect your partner to trust your newfound self-awareness once it has been proven over time and in both good and bad situations.

DO try to compromise. A real compromise enables two people to agree to something neither may like but is willing to consider. You may not be able to come to a compromise on separation, but it is essential to try. Each time you return after a break in the conversation, bring something of substance that includes SOME of what your partner wants and something that you want.

DON'T appease. Appeasement is giving in to something you disagree with and resent. It is often misconstrued as a compromise, where both parties may not like the agreement but don't carry resentment. Don't give in to anything with the expectation that you will win over your spouse. They will not feel they owe you anything at this point. This is most likely what you did in your marriage that has you on the eve of separation.

DON'T LIE. All people lie. Now is not the time. Please be honest or say nothing until you are ready. A common thing people say when wanting to separate is, "I no longer feel like myself in this relationship." The only way to "feel like yourself" is by being genuine and honest about your feelings and thoughts. When you tune out of your relationship or are constantly resentful, you are tuning out of your relationship to yourself. Asking for a separation can feel rejuvenating, though painful, because you are starting to be honest with your partner again.

DO be prepared for a squadron of friends and family to bombard you with advice.  It is best to remember that everyone cares and everyone is scared. Try to reduce upsetting conversations with extended family members. Tell them that this is between you and your spouse and that you understand that everyone is concerned. You have enough on your plate to handle as it is.

DON'T broadcast your feelings or what is going on with your spouse to your children. Try to keep these conversations away from children. If you decide upon a separation, try to get to a point of action before you tell them. This is hard and can't always be done, but try for everyone's sake.

Do remember that actions or actions got you to this point, not how you feel or what you think. Your partner knows how serious you are by your actions, not the imaginary conversations in your head. REAL conversations with REAL people make imaginary ones go away. Real actions with real people make them take you more seriously than anything you can say.

Patience is key. DON’T broadcast or campaign on social media. Be cautious about discussing the situation with your spouse by text and email. This can often lead to confusion and hurt because there is no human context to read the messages. Sharing only factual information works best, but emotional things tend to make matters worse. Control your impulses by waiting until calm before clicking the send button. Slow down all responses to emails, texts, and phone calls. Only respond when your intensity level is fewer than 2 or 3, even if it means awkward pauses. Patience will keep you calm and collected. 

Marriage and Individual counseling can benefit needs, wants, wishes, and reality of what is possible in your marriage, separation, or divorce. Working to be more honest, no matter the direction, allows you to start liking yourself again.

Can grief stop you from starting or developing a better or new relationship?

Don: Grief can prevent you from being present in your current relationship and prevent you from starting a new one.

The pain of grief keeps a portion of your attention and awareness preoccupied until the loss is faced. Though you can push grief down to the side, in reality, ignore it, but there is no getting around it. You will, at some point, experience it. Until then, it is a part of you, keeping you unavailable to those around you. This is often expressed by saying, "They are here, but they aren't."  

When you experience significant loss (change) of any kind, especially family members to death or divorce, the grief process begins and occupies quite a bit of your attention.

Until the emotional and physical realities that the loss has caused are acknowledged, felt (experienced), and accepted, and to some degree, emotional acceptance has happened, you are not fully emotionally present. Your mind is fighting the reality of the loss.

The positive outcome of going through the action steps of grief recovery is that you begin to experience more of the present moment and can better tend to what is happening in your life now. Imaginary conversations in one's head, as if the loss has not happened, are gone or only appear now and then when triggered by something that reminds you of the loss.

So, the experiences of grief happen without your control, consuming most of your attention. 

If you are already in a relationship and you have a significant loss, you will be less emotionally available to your partner until the grief is processed.  If you are not in a relationship, grief could keep you from making efforts to begin one until grief lessened. 

This is true both with death and the broken heart of a divorce.  However, some people start a new relationship to avoid and cover up the pain of the grief experience. If grief is not faced well, the relationship you begin will start on a very unsteady footing because you are not fully emotionally there and not able to be emotionally close. The new relationship will be based more on the thrill of hormones and the relief of avoiding grief. Eventually, grief will be faced in this new relationship. 

The same is valid for pets. Many people quickly replace their pets to avoid the loss experience, but only later do they regret bringing a new pet in so quickly. These actions cover up, delay, and make grief more of a problem instead of a process to go through. However, with the actions of grief, recovery can happen even when it has been massively avoided. There is hope.

When THEY WANT A SEPARATION and you don't?!

 Don: Respectfully.

DON'T discredit your spouse's point of view. It will only make them dig deeper into their already established position.

Each spouse has participated in "belief bias," where people gather friends and opinions supporting their already established dynamic point of view. Rare is the one good friend that would say, "Yeah, I can see how she/he wants to leave you. You have treated her/him badly for a long time." You may disagree with how your mate sees things, but you must respect their right to have their viewpoint, realizing there is always something to take seriously about yourself.

Remember that a series of shorter conversations will be necessary, especially at the beginning. Intensity will be high on both sides, so you must take breaks.

Could you take breaks often? Each party must take responsibility for monitoring the level of intensity. On an emotional intensity scale of 0 to the lowest and 10 to the highest, when either of you feels an increase of 5-6 or over in intensity, ask to take a break. Say, "I need to take a break to calm down and be more reasonable. I will be back shortly."  

DON’T tell your spouse, "You are too upset now. You need to take a break." Saying anything that even hints at assuming you know how they feel will derail any attempt at real conversation. You can ask them how they think if you are willing to accept it, but best not to tell them how they feel. Again, this is probably one of the reasons they want a separation.

After a break, DO by finding something your spouse said in the last conversation that you CAN agree with, such as, "You are right. I am pushing you to stay, and I need to back off from that." PAUSE. Most likely, your spouse will say thank you and offer something to you, too. It is essential that what you say is TRUE. If not, correct it with your spouse later. Neither of you has much credibility with each other right now, so rebuilding trust takes rigorous honesty and the humility to come back and reset. This builds the dignity you need to be able to start liking yourself for the right reasons. Your partner will be able to see that you are turning toward the process of transformation and away from the actions and attitudes that got you to the point of a separation conversation. You have dug your hole daily for a long time. Getting out of it will take less time than digging it, but don't expect your partner to trust your newfound self-awareness until it has been proven over time and in both good and bad situations.

Don't over-promise and under-deliver. Appeasement is giving in to something you disagree with and resent. It is often misconstrued as a compromise where both parties may not like the agreement but don't carry resentment. Don't give in to anything with the expectation that you will win over your spouse later. This is most likely what you did in your marriage that has you on the brink of separation.

Try to compromise where reasonable. A real compromise enables two people to agree to something neither may like but is willing to consider. You may not be able to come to a compromise on separation, but it is essential to try. Each time you return after a break in the conversation, bring something of substance that includes SOME of what your partner wants and something that you want.

BEST NOT TO SAY, "I WILL DO ANYTHING." You won't. The promise was made in the past, but it won’t be anymore. If a separation is inevitable, you can only change yourself. It is your actions that your spouse is tracking more than your words.

TO BE TRUTHFUL, DON’T LIE. All people lie in some situations. Not in all conditions; however, now is not the time. That is most likely an essential ingredient of how you got yourself to this point-

: lying to yourself and your partner. Instead of trying to be liked, try being as honest, sincere, and authentic as possible. You are only yourself when you are honest, first with yourself, then with your partner. You don't like yourself when you, or anyone, lie. The more you get away from how you think and try to manipulate others, the less you feel like yourself. Marriage is one of the most challenging relationships you will ever have because the emotionally committed relationship forces the truth out of us sooner or later. That is why some couples improve their marriage with separation or, on the doorstep of these, they have a courthouse: they start being honest, first with themselves and then with their partners.

Don’t form a squadron of friends and family and bombard your spouse with advice. YOUR SPOUSE IS ALREADY OVERWHELMED. This will only push them to become entrenched in their viewpoint and push you to dig deeper into yours.

Keep these conversations away from any children. If you decide upon a separation, try to reach a point of action before you tell them. This is hard and cannot be done, but try for everyone.

DO remember that ACTIONS or INACTIONS got you here, not how you feel or what you think. Your partner knows how much you care by your ACTIONS or INACTIONS. Not by your imaginary conversations in your head. REAL conversations with REAL people make imaginary ones go away.

Control your impulses incredibly late at night? No Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, or YouTube announcements or reactions. Slow down all responses to emails, texts, and phone calls. Only respond when your intensity level is under 2 or 3, even if it means awkward pauses.

Marriage and individual counseling can be beneficial regarding needs, wants, wishes, and the reality of what is possible in your marriage, separation, or divorce. Working to be more honest and sorting out the emotional waves no matter what direction your situation takes allows you to start liking your mature person again. Only then can you really like anyone else.