• A Second Look
  • Blog
    • Individual Sessions
    • Couple Sessions
    • Grief Recovery Sessions
    • EMDR Sessions
    • The Stages of Actual Change
    • Power of Vulnerablity
    • Stop Dumb Arguments, before you begin them
    • When You Feel Shut Down, The Impact
    • Listening to Shame
    • Forgiveness and anger
    • There is nothing wrong with you, beyond self hate
    • Atomic Habits
    • How Grief Rewires Your Brain
    • Spoon theory — for atypical energy levels
    • Compassionate Friends Support Group
    • Compassion: It is an human instinct
    • The Four Looks Defined
    • What Is Narcissism?
    • Dopamine Detox
    • Cognative Dissonance
    • Mistakes Were Made, But Not By Me (Cognitive Dissonance)
    • BREATHING and anxiety reduction
    • The Gift of Fear -- Trusting Your Gut
    • Body Based Release
    • Anatomy of Anxiety and Panic
    • When Things Fall Apart
    • Boundaries
    • 8 c's
    • State Specific Memory
    • 5 Common Regrets
    • Resentment defined
    • Addiction and Recovery
    • Grief Recovery & Feeling Lighter Study
    • Grief/Trauma Recovery Letter Process
    • Grief Books For Many Loss Situations
    • Free Grief Support --- Compassionate Friends
    • 13 Strategies For Overcoming Shame
    • 13 Self-Compassion Phrases
    • Cognitive Dissonance
    • Internal Family Systems
    • IFS -Internal Family Systems Study
    • What My Adult Autism Diagnosis Finally Explained
    • Diagnosed as an Adult
    • Attention Deficit Disorder
    • Zeigarnik Effect
    • Trauma Recovery
    • The Voices In My Head
    • Difference between Panic Attack and Heart Attack
    • Emotional Wheel
    • Attachment Injury Trauma Recovery
    • Mindfulness In Plain English
    • Gentle Belly Breathing
    • Divorce Recovery
    • Introversion
    • Dating and Finding A Partner
    • Meditation & Brain
    • Subconscious Cue Word Procedure
    • Practicing Compassion
    • Bipolar 1 vs. Bipolar 2
    • Psychiatrist Referrals
    • Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples
    • Male and Female Brain
    • BiPolar 1 & 2 Described
    • Sleep
    • ADHD Explanation
    • Cognitive Bypassing
    • Accountability
    • What happens when we sleep
    • Grief rewires after losing someone
    • Adjusting to What Is True
    • The Loss A Very Good Dog and Grief
    • Primal Wound: The adopted child as an adult
    • Signs of Autism in Adults
    • ASD - Autism Spectrum Disorder
    • Stress and inflammation
    • The Four Looks: Participating In Change That Matters
    • Gottman Couple Counseling
    • Personal Plan For Change In Your Relationship
    • Repair After An Argument
    • Four Horsemen
    • Make Better Bids for Connection
    • Couples On The Brink: Leaning Out or In?
    • Flexible and Core Needs in Relationship
    • The Emotional Intensity Meter
    • Emotional Flooding
    • Window of Tolerance
    • UNSOLVEABLE PROBLEMS: Dreams Within The Conflict
    • TIMEOUTS for Relationships
    • The CIRCLEBACK
    • The PAUSE sooner
    • RESENTMENT (CONTEMPT): It can kill your marriage and make you sick too.
    • How Enduring Vulverablities Are Affecting Your Marriage
    • Perpetual Problems and Solvable Problems
    • Accepting Influence
    • Gottman Love Lab
    • The Four Moves Of Being Heard
    • Stonewalling
    • Online Relationship Checkup
    • Sound House Of Relationship
    • Vulnerable and Protective Emotions
    • WE ARE JUST DIFFERENT PEOPLE!? WHAT CAN I DO!???
    • Feelings/Needs and Requests
    • Two Kinds of Domestic Violence
    • Steps to Start Couple Therapy Video
    • Self Soothing
    • Complaint Formula
    • 3 Bad Reasons To Separate, And One Good One
    • Shared Meaning
    • State of the Union Check In
    • Couple Development Scale on Differentiation Spectrum
    • Differentiation in Relationships
    • Disappointment
    • Anger is hot. Contempt is cold.
    • Compassionate Agreements vs. Rules
    • Stop Trying to Fix Your Partner's Feelings
    • Sustained Behavior Change
    • The Five Love Languages
    • How To STOP A FIGHT
    • 3 Common Problems in ALL Relationshpips
    • Second Order Change
    • NVC - Non Violent Communication
    • Five Languages of Apology
    • Tell Me No Lies
    • Gottman 7 Principles Book Summary
    • How To Complain Without Hurting Your Partner
    • Hanging Onto To Yourself, and Being Close
    • Don’t Feel Attacked
    • How To Get The Most Out Of Couples Therapy
    • Why Relationships Are So Hard
    • How You Know You Are In The Green
    • Gottman Couples Counseling Study
    • A List Of Core Needs
    • Understanding Must Precede Advice
    • Emotional Bank Account
    • Verbally Abusiveness in Relationships
    • Gottman Charts
    • Eroticism & Self-Care Plan
    • Are You a Sex Addict? 10 Questions to Ask Yourself
    • Sexual Closeness
    • NEED BASED Conversations - NVC
    • Premarital and Dating
    • 52 questions before moving in
    • Marital Separation
    • NVC NEEDS INTERACTIVE
    • The Gray Divorce
    • Emotional Affair Stages
    • The Grief of an Affair
    • Infidelity Recovery
    • Ghosting Damage
    • Friendship honesty or not?
    • 3 Reasons Couple Come to Counseling
    • Love Maps
    • Assess
  • About
  • Policy
  • Sign In My Account
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Don Elium Psychotherapy

Street Address
City, State, Zip
925 256-8282
Northern & Southern California TeleHealth

Your Custom Text Here

Don Elium Psychotherapy

  • A Second Look
  • Blog
  • Sessions
    • Individual Sessions
    • Couple Sessions
    • Grief Recovery Sessions
    • EMDR Sessions
  • Individual-Study
    • The Stages of Actual Change
    • Power of Vulnerablity
    • Stop Dumb Arguments, before you begin them
    • When You Feel Shut Down, The Impact
    • Listening to Shame
    • Forgiveness and anger
    • There is nothing wrong with you, beyond self hate
    • Atomic Habits
    • How Grief Rewires Your Brain
    • Spoon theory — for atypical energy levels
    • Compassionate Friends Support Group
    • Compassion: It is an human instinct
    • The Four Looks Defined
    • What Is Narcissism?
    • Dopamine Detox
    • Cognative Dissonance
    • Mistakes Were Made, But Not By Me (Cognitive Dissonance)
    • BREATHING and anxiety reduction
    • The Gift of Fear -- Trusting Your Gut
    • Body Based Release
    • Anatomy of Anxiety and Panic
    • When Things Fall Apart
    • Boundaries
    • 8 c's
    • State Specific Memory
    • 5 Common Regrets
    • Resentment defined
    • Addiction and Recovery
    • Grief Recovery & Feeling Lighter Study
    • Grief/Trauma Recovery Letter Process
    • Grief Books For Many Loss Situations
    • Free Grief Support --- Compassionate Friends
    • 13 Strategies For Overcoming Shame
    • 13 Self-Compassion Phrases
    • Cognitive Dissonance
    • Internal Family Systems
    • IFS -Internal Family Systems Study
    • What My Adult Autism Diagnosis Finally Explained
    • Diagnosed as an Adult
    • Attention Deficit Disorder
    • Zeigarnik Effect
    • Trauma Recovery
    • The Voices In My Head
    • Difference between Panic Attack and Heart Attack
    • Emotional Wheel
    • Attachment Injury Trauma Recovery
    • Mindfulness In Plain English
    • Gentle Belly Breathing
    • Divorce Recovery
    • Introversion
    • Dating and Finding A Partner
    • Meditation & Brain
    • Subconscious Cue Word Procedure
    • Practicing Compassion
    • Bipolar 1 vs. Bipolar 2
    • Psychiatrist Referrals
    • Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples
    • Male and Female Brain
    • BiPolar 1 & 2 Described
    • Sleep
    • ADHD Explanation
    • Cognitive Bypassing
    • Accountability
    • What happens when we sleep
    • Grief rewires after losing someone
    • Adjusting to What Is True
    • The Loss A Very Good Dog and Grief
    • Primal Wound: The adopted child as an adult
    • Signs of Autism in Adults
    • ASD - Autism Spectrum Disorder
    • Stress and inflammation
    • The Four Looks: Participating In Change That Matters
  • Relationship-Study
    • Gottman Couple Counseling
    • Personal Plan For Change In Your Relationship
    • Repair After An Argument
    • Four Horsemen
    • Make Better Bids for Connection
    • Couples On The Brink: Leaning Out or In?
    • Flexible and Core Needs in Relationship
    • The Emotional Intensity Meter
    • Emotional Flooding
    • Window of Tolerance
    • UNSOLVEABLE PROBLEMS: Dreams Within The Conflict
    • TIMEOUTS for Relationships
    • The CIRCLEBACK
    • The PAUSE sooner
    • RESENTMENT (CONTEMPT): It can kill your marriage and make you sick too.
    • How Enduring Vulverablities Are Affecting Your Marriage
    • Perpetual Problems and Solvable Problems
    • Accepting Influence
    • Gottman Love Lab
    • The Four Moves Of Being Heard
    • Stonewalling
    • Online Relationship Checkup
    • Sound House Of Relationship
    • Vulnerable and Protective Emotions
    • WE ARE JUST DIFFERENT PEOPLE!? WHAT CAN I DO!???
    • Feelings/Needs and Requests
    • Two Kinds of Domestic Violence
    • Steps to Start Couple Therapy Video
    • Self Soothing
    • Complaint Formula
    • 3 Bad Reasons To Separate, And One Good One
    • Shared Meaning
    • State of the Union Check In
    • Couple Development Scale on Differentiation Spectrum
    • Differentiation in Relationships
    • Disappointment
    • Anger is hot. Contempt is cold.
    • Compassionate Agreements vs. Rules
    • Stop Trying to Fix Your Partner's Feelings
    • Sustained Behavior Change
    • The Five Love Languages
    • How To STOP A FIGHT
    • 3 Common Problems in ALL Relationshpips
    • Second Order Change
    • NVC - Non Violent Communication
    • Five Languages of Apology
    • Tell Me No Lies
    • Gottman 7 Principles Book Summary
    • How To Complain Without Hurting Your Partner
    • Hanging Onto To Yourself, and Being Close
    • Don’t Feel Attacked
    • How To Get The Most Out Of Couples Therapy
    • Why Relationships Are So Hard
    • How You Know You Are In The Green
    • Gottman Couples Counseling Study
    • A List Of Core Needs
    • Understanding Must Precede Advice
    • Emotional Bank Account
    • Verbally Abusiveness in Relationships
    • Gottman Charts
    • Eroticism & Self-Care Plan
    • Are You a Sex Addict? 10 Questions to Ask Yourself
    • Sexual Closeness
    • NEED BASED Conversations - NVC
    • Premarital and Dating
    • 52 questions before moving in
    • Marital Separation
    • NVC NEEDS INTERACTIVE
    • The Gray Divorce
    • Emotional Affair Stages
    • The Grief of an Affair
    • Infidelity Recovery
    • Ghosting Damage
    • Friendship honesty or not?
    • 3 Reasons Couple Come to Counseling
    • Love Maps
    • Assess
  • About
  • Policy
  • Sign In My Account
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Blog

The Problem With Sincere Transformation

November 18, 2025 Don Elium

The Problem With Sincere Transformation: by Don Elium, MFT

Why Her Brain Resists Renewal

Read on Substack
We Are Just Different! When Things Quietly Or Loudly Fall Fall Apart →
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Featured
Nov 30, 2016
What is grief (having a broken heart) really about?
Nov 30, 2016
Nov 30, 2016

Individual, Couple & Family TeleHealth Psychotherapy

Don Elium, MA MFT Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist MFC#28381 (NPI# 1124427711)

A TeleHealth Service for all of CALIFORNIA • Office in the San Francisco Bay Area, USA

The moment you accept what troubles you’ve been given, the door will open.” - Rumi.

"The past does not create the present unless you insist.” — Alan Watts

“There is nothing wrong with you. Life is just harder than you ever expected.” —- David Schnarch

Email: don@don-elium-psychotherapy.com. 925 256-8282 (text/phone)

A-I-M Adaptive Identity Model: The Man Versions Of You A-I-M.click here

Member of the California Association of Marriage & Family Therapists

Note: This Office does not participate in Medicare Programs. Click Here For More Info