Drs. John and Julie Gottman define it this way:

Accountability: Taking responsibility for your words or actions and acknowledging how they affect others.
Defensiveness: An opposing defense mechanism involves denying or deflecting blame to protect yourself from feeling insufficient or wrong.

Here are 10 examples highlighting the impact of honest self-accountability versus defensiveness in relationship conflicts:

1. Trust and Emotional Safety

Honest Account: When a partner openly admits their role, it builds trust and emotional safety, showing they value transparency and vulnerability.
Example: "I overreacted because I was stressed, and I took it out on you. That wasn’t fair."
Defensive Account: Defensiveness erodes trust, making the other partner feel dismissed or invalidated.
Example: "I wouldn’t have overreacted if you didn’t always push my buttons."

2. Conflict Resolution

Honest Account: Taking responsibility facilitates collaborative problem-solving and quicker resolution.
Example: "I see how my behavior contributed to the misunderstanding. Let’s figure out how to avoid this next time."
Defensive Account: Defensiveness escalates conflicts, making resolution harder.
Example: "This isn’t just my fault; you’re the one who started it."

3. Empathy and Connection

Honest Account: Acknowledging one’s mistakes fosters empathy and deepens connection.
Example: "I can imagine how hurtful that must have been for you. I’m sorry."
Defensive Account: Defensiveness often shifts blame, creating emotional distance.
Example: "You’re too sensitive; it wasn’t a big deal."

4. Modeling Positive Behavior

Honest Account: Demonstrating accountability encourages the other partner to reflect on their own behavior.
Example: "I was wrong to ignore your concerns. Let’s talk about it."
Defensive Account: Defensiveness can trigger reciprocation, where both partners avoid taking responsibility.
Example: "If you think I’m ignoring you, maybe it’s because you never listen to me either."

5. Avoidance of Resentment

Honest Account: Owning up prevents resentment from building by showing a willingness to grow.
Example: "I know I’ve done this before, and I’m working on changing it."
Defensive Account: Persistent defensiveness fuels resentment by making the offended partner feel unheard.
Example: "Why do you always make me the bad guy?"

6. Longevity of Relationship

Honest Account: Accountability strengthens the partnership, creating a foundation of mutual respect.
Example: "I recognize I’ve been distant lately, and I want to be more present."
Defensive Account: Defensiveness erodes long-term stability, as unresolved issues accumulate.
Example: "You’re imagining things; I’m not distant."

7. Emotional Validation

Honest Account: Validating emotions reassures the other partner they are valued and respected.
Example: "I see why you felt that way, and I’ll do better."
Defensive Account: Defensiveness invalidates emotions, making the partner feel dismissed.
Example: "I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal out of this."

8. Growth and Change

Honest Account: Acknowledging faults shows a willingness to grow, encouraging mutual improvement.
Example: "I can see my role in this and want to make changes to be better for us."
Defensive Account: Defensiveness resists growth, keeping destructive patterns alive.
Example: "This is just who I am; deal with it."

9. Power Dynamics

Honest Account: Accountability balances power dynamics, showing equality in responsibility.
Example: "I made a mistake, and I want to fix it."
Defensive Account: Defensiveness shifts the blame, creating a dynamic of superiority or victimization.
Example: "You’re overreacting as usual. I’m not the problem here."

10. Emotional Well-Being

Honest Account: Taking responsibility contributes to both partners’ emotional well-being by fostering peace and understanding.
Example: "I regret how I handled that. I want us to feel good together again."
Defensive Account: Defensiveness creates stress and emotional harm, leaving unresolved hurt.
Example: "You’re always finding something wrong with me; maybe you’re the issue."

The contrast between these approaches shows how honesty can heal and strengthen a relationship, while defensiveness can perpetuate conflict and build resentment.