The Trauma-Calm and Emotional-Meltdown

By Don Elium, MA MFT 

Trauma-Calm is not the same as the quiet walk in nature, laying lounging on the beach. Trauma Calm is not the same of meditative Silent-Stillness-Peaceful-Connectivity.  

We spiritual types sometimes mistake the Trauma-Calm that is the center an emotional storm with the peacefulness we can experience in nature or the centered Silent Stillness-Connectivity.  With Trauma-Calm the emotion gets suppressed and the Emotional Meltdowns are that much bigger and more surprising, often at inconvenient times. Emotional melt-downs are normal during these times. 

So, make space for emotional FELT scared. anger, blame, outrage, hopeless, helpless expressions with trusted friends and professionals. Meltdowns are temporary. When addressed with compassion turned inward, it still sucks but passes more quickly and feel better afterwards. Makes more internal space for Clarity.

This is written after my own bout of an emotional melt down. Now, there is more calm. And the Silent-Stillness-Connectivity is back in awareness. But Trauma-Calm is still present also, sometimes like a weight, a heavy calm, foreboding  around the edges. 

Trauma-Calm is a temporary emotional detachment. It is our brain and evolutionary nervous system helping us deal with overwhelm to keep us functioning during ongoing stressful times. However that compartmentalised (Detached-dissociated) emotional LIFE has to be spent somewhere, eventually, thus Emotional-Meltdown.

Silent-Stillness-Connectivity is different.It feels alive, not always pleasant, deeply connected quiet and aware. It doesn’t go away, only awareness of it temporarily is covered over, my experience of these things.

Note that the Trauma-Calm is in part the Shock Denial element of the human grief cycle that is trying to take care of us, until we can acclimate to what is actually happening.  It is NOT the enemy. It is necessary and temporary. Its best friend is the emotional melt down. They are alive, back and forth partners in coping.  This nervous system default mechanism is trying to help the whole human still function, not get paralysed by the overwhelm and tend to needed actions to be safe. PLAN for the emotional melt down. Talk to your close ones about it. Try to minimise any relationship damage or impulsive decisions. Plan to be accountable and apologise for the hurt or impulsive consequences and get attention to what is happening now. Trauma-Calm-Emotional-Meltdowns help to keep us safe.

These elements are often in play as the mind and body seek to cope with sudden, radical changes in an effort to restore PRESENCE in the PRESENT MOMENT of what is actually happen right now:

SHOCK (Surreal, this is just a dream),

DENIAL (Naw, this can't be really happening),

ANGER (Why is this happening to me!!!!! This is wrong).

BARGAINING (Well, maybe if I sit away from people at Starbucks far enough . . .)

DEPRESSION/SAD (The beginning of acceptance, Hopeless and Helpless cause I can't stop this)

ACCEPTANCE (Since I can't stop this, I will try my best to deal with it one step at a time)

THE PRESENT: It is what it is, I am what I am, and this is here and now and I can willingly address, engage and participate in the circumstances in my personal space as they unfold and feel the full range of emotion about it

Each element has degrees and it bounces around, sometimes minute to minute. FEEL it, and SOOTHE yourself, and have COMPASSION toward yourself: There is nothing wrong with you, life is just far harder than you ever expected.

“Trauma is intricately knotted with GRIEF.  Don Elium’s term The Trauma-Calm (kicks in initially to get us thru the shock and disbelief of the significant loss we are experiencing. It’s what protects us and gets us thru those early fuzzy days and nights of having the rug swept out from under us. 

Grief is a myriad of reactions to loss. And the losses most people are experiencing right now are vast and multidimensional. The whole planet (literally!) feels and looks different to a griever. The feeling of living in this SURREAL universe takes over, alternating with the disconnection of the Trauma-Calm to help us survive and function. 

The emotional meltdowns are our barometer that we are having distressing emotions come up. I call them the R’s of Grief: Resentments, Regrets or Remembrances. The Repair in the relationships is how we reconnect with our loved one” says Debbie Jenkins Frankle, Grief Specialist.

Professional assistance can help your mind and body process the impact of sudden, rattling storm of change in your life.

If you need help, you can reach me, Don Elium, MA MFT, at phone/text 925 256 8282!

If you need help, you can reach me, Don Elium, MA MFT, at phone/text 925 256 8282!